No Quick Fix
by BananaLoaf
Summary: Cas Novak is an ER nurse, who has just moved to Lawrence. His past is nobody's business, and he is determined that it will make no difference to his life here. Except that meeting with a hot firefighter might put a slight dent in those plans... AU. All Human. Destiel.
1. Prologue

As ever, you could practically smell the adrenaline in the air as they waited. The call had come in five minutes ago and the staff had been in position and ready since. When they had heard the details, given frantically and concisely, several of them had raised their eyes quickly to the sky with a vote of thanks that they were otherwise quiet. They would need everything they had to deal with this, and everyone would want to be part of it.

Cas added an extra prayer that his worst nightmare wasn't about to come true.

Standing in line at the front doors, everyone was silent. Cas assumed that they were all contemplating what was coming their way; he most certainly was. His guts had been in turmoil since Charlie had shouted the call out to them, before catching his eye as she gave the final detail, fear and sympathy flashing in her eyes as she watched him freeze for a moment.

 _Please, please, please._

"We're up," someone shouted and everyone surged forward as the doors were pushed open. Blue lights screamed into the bay and everyone separated, approaching the two vehicles in hurried organisation. A third set of blue lights followed them in but was ignored.

Cas led his group forward, instinctively heading for the truck on the left. The doors at the back of it opened at the same time, and two bodies burst out, a trolley quickly wheeled out between them and then they were hurtling back towards the building.

"Five-year-old female, left leg is broken, burns to the face and right arm. Pain meds administered at scene," Benny rattled off the details as they rushed in. Cas grabbed part of the trolley, helping them steer the child into the ER, and waiting for Luke to start administering instructions. He refused to be distracted by the contents of the other ambulance. He sent up one last plea, then got to work.

 _Please, don't let it be him._

 **Seven months previously**

Cas was exhausted. A full twelve hour shift in the ER was always enough to exhaust any hardworking nurse, but the added factor of it being his first shift in a new hospital was adding extra pressure and extra work and he felt dead on his feet, with an hour to go. He kept up a steady mantra asking for no major traumas to appear in the final hour of his shift, hoping to God he would be in his bed in his new apartment before too long.

It was worth it though. The hospital seemed nice, the staff had all been friendly and helpful, and Lawrence, so far, seemed like a good place to be.

"Cas, you good?"

Cas looked around as he crossed the reception area, noticing the cheery redheaded nurse that had been first to greet him this morning. She was grinning at him, looking exhausted herself.

"I'm good, thanks Charlie," he said, redirecting himself to lean on the desk, which she was standing behind with another nurse, Meg, and the receptionist, Kevin.

"Excellent. Donut?" she offered him a box of fresh donuts. He reached in helped himself to a ring, attracted by the sugary look of the chocolate topping and thousands of sprinkles. A sugar boost was just what he needed.

"My hero," he grinned at her. "Where did these come from?"

"Dean brought them," Meg answered. She had a half-eaten jelly donut in her hand, which was threatening to spill its guts over the desk, much to Kevin's consternation, judging by the panicked look on his face. Meg paid him no attention, leaning further onto the counter. She had been trying to get Cas' attention all day, which he found quite amusing.

"Dean?" he asked, groaning as he took a bite. There was the sugar!

"Yeah, Dean," Charlie explained, finally pushing Meg away from the desk to continue her conversation, rolling her eyes at the glare Meg snapped at her, offended to be shoved aside. "He's here a lot, visiting his dad, or with the boys. He's a firefighter. And a paramedic when they need him to. They come in quite a lot."

"The guy is seriously hot, too," Meg chimed in.

Charlie snorted. "If you like that kind of thing, I suppose so."

"Who does he visit?" Cas couldn't help be curious. He figured he'd meet the local firefighters pretty quickly, they had appeared at his last hospital pretty regularly after all, but Charlie spoke of Dean with such warmth that he was sure he must be a good guy.

"His dad. Been in a coma for the last two months," Charlie said, suddenly morose.

"Oh, shit. Prognosis?"

She shook her head. "Not good. He won't give up yet though. Dean, I mean."

"That's a real shame," Cas murmured, suddenly sad for this man he had never met.

"He'll get there, don't worry," Charlie smiled at him. "His dad's not, well, it wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing for Dean to lose the burden, you know?"

Cas nodded. There was obviously more to this story.

"Anyway, you'll meet him soon enough. You got plans after shift tomorrow? We're off Saturday, so how about some drinks? Welcome you to the fold?"

"Sounds great!" Cas grinned at her, smiling at Kevin and Meg before he walked away to finish what he'd been doing before, Charlie heading off to deal with a truculent elderly patient that had been annoying her all day. Cas was acquainting himself thoroughly with every inch of the ER while it was quiet. He had two supply closets to do, and thanks to his sugary snack he had enough energy to do it.

Half an hour later, he was heading back across the reception when he glanced over to the desk and saw Charlie was back, talking to a guy who was leaning on the desk, clad in fire department casuals. Cas wondered if this was Dean, when Charlie caught his eye and waved.

"Cas, come and meet Dean," she called. Once again, Cas changed the direction he was headed in and moved towards the reception desk. Dean turned round as Charlie called over, and Cas very nearly paused in his progress as he was faced with the most beautiful man he had seen in his life. Dean's face relaxed into a grin and he reached out his hand. Cas couldn't tear his staring gaze away, but hoped it didn't at least look like gaping as he approached, his own hand reaching out to receive the other man's. Dean's hand was warm, his shake firm, and his grin friendly as he clasped his other hand to Cas' shoulder.

"How you doin', man? Dean Winchester."

"Castiel Novak."

"Castiel, huh?"

Cas chuckled. "Afraid so. Cas is fine, though."

Dean glanced down at their still clasped hands as if he suddenly realised they were still shaking, and both of them let go.

"So, Charlie here looking after you, Cas?" Dean leaned back onto the counter. "Be careful, she's trouble."

"Hey!" Charlie slapped Dean's shoulder and he reached up and rubbed it, exaggeratedly wincing as if she'd injured him. Charlie rolled her eyes. "We're taking Cas out for drinks after shift tomorrow. Want to tag along?"

"Sure," Dean shrugged. "That ok with you, dude?"

"Of course," Cas smiled. "The more the merrier. I need to meet people here, so bring anyone you want."

"You just moved here?" Dean asked, genuinely interested. At Cas' nod Dean grinned and slung an arm around his shoulders. "Well, then we've got to go The Roadhouse, do this thing right. Cool with you Charlie?"

"Fine."

"Great, then I'll ask some of the boys at the station, see if anyone wants to come out after shift. I'm sure some of 'em will, but I'll see you guys there. Better go, or I'll be late to start my 24."

With a wave, Dean was heading out the door, sending a wink to Meg as she walked by. Cas watched him, then shook himself out of his stupor as he realised he was staring at the firefighter's ass. _Not what you're here for, Cas._

"So, that's Dean." Charlie said, unnecessarily.

Cas turned to her, glad to see that she hadn't noticed his mental drooling. His sexuality wasn't anyone's business, and nothing that was going to make a difference in his life in the foreseeable future.

But, wow, that had been one beautiful man.

"He seems nice," Cas said casually. "You guys close?"

"Absolutely! We've been friends for years."

Cas found himself searching Charlie's face for a sign that there was more to it, but snapped himself out of it before she noticed. He was not here to be thinking in any way, shape or form about hot firemen. He would make some friends.

And that would be fine. Honest.

There we go! POV is going to change, and I've not decided where entirely I'm taking this, so I'm open to suggestions – if I like them! ;)

Let me know what you thought.

B xx


	2. A Night Out

Dean arrived at the station with his mind still full of blue eyes and raven sex-hair. That was one seriously hot nurse that Charlie has introduced him to - no way with Dean's luck was the guy even be into guys, never mind Dean.

There was something about him that had struck Dean, though. A sort of warmth in his manner, that made it seem to the firefighter that this could be a man he could be friends with. There was a vulnerability there too, Dean noticed, although Cas hid it well. It wasn't just the vulnerability of being the new guy either - Cas had a story, that was for sure.

"Hey, Dean," a voice called to him. He looked up and saw Rufus, waving at him across the break room.

"Hey, Rufus."

"You alright there, buddy? You were away in a dream."

"Nah, 'm fine," Dean shrugged it off. "Just been to the hospital, is all." Not a word of a lie, but he knew fine well what his colleague would assume he was thinking about.

"Ah, right. How is the old man? Any change?" And there it was. Dean shook his head. Rufus clapped him on the shoulder, and quickly changed the subject. "Here's hoping for a quiet 24, eh?"

Dean grinned. "Oh I dunno, old man. Some of us younger guys still like a call out or two, breaks up the days."

A hand smacked him round the back of the head, but Dean just laughed. Rufus was retiring in a couple of weeks, and hadn't heard the end of it from anyone on the shift since he'd told them.

"Watch it, boy. I've still got some time to mess you up before I go."

"Yeah, yeah."

Dean grinned at him and wandered away, heading to his bunk to drop his bag. He called back over his shoulder. "New guy started at the hospital. Drinks at the roadhouse after shift tomorrow, you in?"

He heard Rufus grunt an affirmative, just as another voice addressed him from within the bunk room.

"Drinks, Deano?"

Yeah, Gabe," Dean answered, stashing his bag. "Roadhouse tomorrow. New nurse started in the ER."

"Sure. What's he like? Can I mess with him?"

Dean glared at Gabe. The man had a history of playing practical jokes on everyone, and messing with any new people they brought into the fold. It wasn't always funny.

"Leave him alone, Gabriel," Dean said, finger pointing at the trickster. "He seems like a good guy, but give him some time to get used to us all before you start. He just moved here."

"Where from?"

"Uh, no idea," Dean frowned, realising he hadn't even asked; not that the information had been offered at all. "Just leave Cas alone, alright?"

"Cas?" Gabriel asked, a strange look on his face.

"Yeah, Cas. Castell or something. Novak, I think he said," Dean shrugged, knowing fine well what the man's name was. He'd already done his over-protective bit in the last two minutes - no need to give Gabe any idea of what his thoughts about the guy really were. He'd never live it down. He looked at Gabriel when he realised the man had been unusually silent, and saw that the other firefighter had gone grey.

"Gabe? You alright?"

"What? Oh!" Gabe shook his head, as if to literally shake himself out of his funk, and grinned at Dean. It didn't quite reach his eyes, though. "Sure, Deano, why wouldn't I be? I just, uh, have to make a phonecall. Just remembered the, uh, the cat. I forgot to let it in when I left, you know I'll be back in a minute..."

Dean stared open-mouthed as Gabriel trailed off and almost ran from the room. What the hell had spooked him? Did he even have a cat? Weird.

As the rest of this shift arrived, Dean let it go and caught up with them, inviting the usual suspects to their night out after their shift. Gabe had always been a little weird anyway.

There was no denying it; Cas was nervous. His palms were starting to sweat slightly as he changed into the jeans and shirt he had brought for their night at the Roadhouse. He was glad that he was the only one in the guys' locker room - everyone else had already headed home, with only Charlie, Meg and Anna coming from the hospital tonight. Apparently that was the norm, unless Garth came along, but he wasn't tonight.

Pulling on his blue shirt, he smoothed it down, wiping his hands at the same time. With one final check in the mirror (absolutely not a single point in trying to do anything with his hair), he headed out to wait for the girls. Charlie was already waiting.

"Ready, Cas? They shouldn't be long."

"Sure," he grinned. "Could do with a couple of beers after today."

Charlie's smile soured into a grimace. "I'm telling you Cas, the next time any idiot comes in here with something random stuck in a cavity it should never have been near, you and I are hiding and Meg can take that crap."

"Still not the strangest thing I've ever seen up a man's ass," Cas shrugged, trying not to blush when he realised how that might sound.

"Seriously? Weirder than a toy cab and police car?" Charlie's eyes were wide as she regarded him, and they both held off a shudder at what their afternoon had been. "No way."

"Absolutely," Cas said firmly, folding his arms. He laughed as Charlie's eyes widened even further; she was fun to tease, he'd discovered today, and she was waiting desperately for him to explain himself. It wasn't often she held herself back as well as this.

"What's going on?" Anna asked as she and Meg appeared next to them.

"Cas," Charlie said accusingly, finger pointing in his face. "Claims to have dealt with a weirder case than ours before, and he's not saying what it was."

"I'm not _not_ saying," Cas grinned. Meg and Anna both looked a bit nauseated at the thought that he would tell them what he'd seen. He wasn't surprised, considering how quickly the two of them had disappeared earlier.

Charlie threw herself at him, planting her hands on his shoulders and peering closely at him. At length, she spoke. "Nope. He's lying."

Cas shrugged. "Okay," and walked away towards the doors, grinning at Charlie's "hey!" as he went. Meg and Anna fell into step beside him, and he heard Charlie's footsteps as she hurried to catch up.

"Tell me, Cas…" she whined.

"I was lying," he said nonchalantly.

"No, you weren't!"

Cas said nothing, but just grinned at her.

"Fine, but I will find out. Just wait – tequila works like veritaserum."

"Like what?"

Cas realised as he held the door open for the girls to walk through, that Charlie had stopped moving. In fact, she seemed to be frozen to the spot, and was gaping at Cas like he was some sort of supernatural creature she had never seen before.

"Charlie?" he called out, gesturing towards the door.

"You don't know what veritaserum is?" she replied, still gaping.

"Should I?" he shrugged.

"Oh, my, God," Charlie raised a finger to point at him. "You, you _muggle_ , Cas!"

Suddenly she was next to him, her arm linked through his and hauling him into the parking lot as if she had been waiting for him. He allowed himself to dragged along towards Meg's car, listening as Charlie tried to make him swear he would let her take full control of his boy-wizard education, whatever the hell that meant. He just agreed as she pulled him into the back seat. Somehow, he thought this conversation might take a while, but at least the nerves at been put on the back burner.

The Roadhouse was, as expected, pretty busy. It was generally thought of as the best bar in the area, and Friday nights were popular. Cas realised quite quickly that the hospital staff were quite well known here, when the owner, Ellen, came over to their table at the back of the bar to 'welcome the new blood'. Soon, he realised that he was actually quite comfortable here. The beers were flowing (tequila successfully avoided so far), Anna, Charlie and Meg were competing to tell Cas the most embarrassing story about each other, and he's met a couple of off-duty doctors from the hospital that he hadn't come across in his two days of shifts.

When Dean arrived, Cas was glad he'd had a few beers to calm himself. Somehow, the man looked even hotter today, despite just coming off a full 24-hour shift. Cas saw him arrive, a green Henley covered by a black leather jacket framing the shoulders that started pushing their way through the crowd until he was standing in front of their table, grinning at them all in that easy-going manner he seemed to carry with him like a gift.

"Evening ladies, Cas," he said, nodding at the girls before his eyes landed on the man in question. "You doing alright there, buddy? Coping alright with these ladies?"

"Fine, Dean, thank you." Cas answered, smiling.

"He doesn't know Harry Potter, Dean!" Charlie called out, indignantly.

Dean whistled, then slid into the booth next to Cas. "Oh man, that's dangerous territory, admitting something like that to Charlie."

"Entirely accidental, I assure you," Cas answered, fighting the urge to blush at the firefighter's sudden proximity. What the hell was it about this guy?

"You alone, Dean?" Meg asked, looking around the room.

"Na, Rufus and Tommy are at the bar. Benny's outside on the phone to Andrea, and Gabe will be here shortly. He went to home to change or whatever."

"Oh, Tommy's here?" Meg immediately started rummaging in her purse, emerging a few seconds later with lip gloss in hand.

Dean was just rolling his eyes at her.

Rufus and Tommy appeared a few minutes later, Benny falling into step behind them. Introductions were quickly made and everyone squeezed tightly into the booth. Neither Dean nor Cas found themselves complaining when their sides were pressed together, although they were both aware that the other might be feeling a little uncomfortable.

Dean took the situation in hand by striking up a conversation with Cas, realising that he really wanted to get to know him, and the sooner the better.

"So how long have you been here, Cas?"

"Just a couple of weeks. The beginning of the month, really."

"How come you ended up in Lawrence?"

Cas began to pick at the label of his beer bottle. "I, uh, needed a new job, and this one came up. It was far enough away, too."

Dean frowned at Cas' obvious discomfort. "Sorry, man. I shouldn't have pried."

Cas looked up and smiled at him. "It's not prying, Dean. A perfectly normal question, don't worry."

"Well, you don't have to tell me anything."

"Thank you," Cas said softly. Dean realised a moment later that he was staring at Cas and abruptly turned to the rest of the table. "Hey, guys? I'm gonna order some onion rings and fries and shit. Who wants in?"

A chorus of affirmation sounded around the table and Dean slid out of the booth. He flashed a quick smile at Cas. "Wait till you try Ellen's onion rings, Cas. Best in the damn country." And he was gone.

Everyone else around the table went back to the conversations they were having before, but that just allowed Cas some time to have a good look around the place, and, okay, to watch Dean.

Cas watched Dean approach the bar and catch Ellen's attention. The woman gave him a warm smile, rolling her eyes at him and slapping his hand. Cas smiled as he watched the two converse; they clearly knew each other well. As Ellen walked away, presumably towards the kitchen, the girl she had pointed out earlier as her daughter, Jo, moved over and continued the conversation. Clearly, Dean wouldn't be back for a few minutes.

He turned his attention back to the table, where he realised that Charlie was staring at him. Fighting off the blush at having been caught, he instead plastered an innocent look on his face and stared back. She grinned at him, but said nothing about it.

"So, Cas, obviously you need to start with the books first. I can give you my lending set, no problem."

"Your lending set?" Cas was confused.

"Sure. I have my first set, a good set that's still sealed up, and my lending set. I bought them for when I met poor souls like you."

Cas was starting to realise that Charlie was slightly mad, but in a way that he absolutely adored. He smiled at her.

"Sounds great. I promise I will read with interest."

Charlie snorted. "You better, or you and me are done before we begin, Novak!"

Cas laughed, but the playful expression on Charlie's face dropped away quickly, as she muttered a profanity under her breath.

"What's wrong?" Cas frowned, but she didn't answer. Instead, he turned to follow her line of sight, and saw Dean talking to a woman that hadn't been there a minute before. He turned back to Charlie. "Who's that?"

"That would be Lisa," she said with a grimace. "Dean's ex."

"Oh."

"Just don't talk about it too loud, ok? Anna can't stand her, and if she sees them she'll be over there making it worse."

"Why does she hate her?"

"'Cos she's a vindictive lying cow, mostly, but the feeling's kinda mutual, since Dean moved onto Anna for a while after they split up."

"Ah." Cas said quietly. His stomach drooped in a sudden aching emptiness. Straight, then. He gave himself a mental slap in the face; relationships were off limit, remember? It didn't matter the tiniest bit whether Dean was straight, gay or neither. Cas wouldn't be going there anyway, no matter what he ended up feeling towards the guy.

"Oh look, there's Gabe," Benny suddenly said from his seat across the table. Cas automatically turned to look at the doors, and very quickly wished that he hadn't.

His chest swooped and he felt sick.

 _No, no, no. Not here, not here._

His head was fuzzy and he couldn't hear anything through the muffled sound of his blood rushing in his ears.

 _Please, no._

He realised he wasn't breathing properly and someone's hand was clasping him by the shoulder. He shook it off; he needed to get out of here.

"I need some air, I'll be back," he gasped, throwing himself from the booth and pushing through the crowd, going the long way to avoid the path that this apparition would take to get towards his friends.

Reaching the doors at last, he pushed them open and staggered into the car park. He realised, dumbly, that he must look like he'd had far too much to drink, but he couldn't care.

Why the hell was he here? How had Cas not known that he was here? His new start, his new life, and he still couldn't escape the old one.

Cas threw himself forward as a wave of dizziness slammed through him, bracing himself with his hands on his knees and forcing himself to breathe properly. By the time his lungs settled into a working pattern, he realised that his cheeks were drenched in tears.

Standing straight, he noticed a wall at the end of the car park and staggered towards it, needing to sit down and calm down, gather his thoughts and work out what the hell he was going to do now.

He sank down onto the wall, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees and keep his steady breathing going. He was in the middle of praying that nobody would follow him when he heard footsteps crossing the tarmac behind him. His panicked mind couldn't decide who was the worst option for this incoming company to be. He couldn't explain this; couldn't talk about it.

His whole body stiffened when a voice spoke softly behind him.

"Cas?"


	3. Encounters of the Awkward Kind

_A/N Thank you all for reviewing, favouriting and following! Please keep them coming – it keeps me sane, and it keep me writing. Love to you all! B xx_

His mood plummeted as soon as he turned from the bar to see that the person who had cleared their throat loudly behind him Lisa. Swallowing his groan, Dean offered her a friendly smile and greeted her with a casual "Hey".

It didn't make her scowl go away.

"I've called you three times this week, Dean, and you haven't answered any of them," she was actually pouted at him. God, she was irritating.

"That might be because I don't particularly want to talk to you, Lisa," he folded his arms, taking a defensive stance that something told him might be unfortunately necessary.

"Dean..." she took a step towards him, a sudden change in expression crossing her face, and he realised with a jolt that she was trying to be seductive and coquettish.

"Lisa," he said, holding up his hands to stop her stepping any closer. "We are finished, I told you that already. It never worked, and we never loved each other. You know that. I dunno what you're wantin' from me now, but you're not gettin' it, ok?"

"How could you say that?" she demanded, the pout back. It wasn't remotely attractive, whatever she might think. "You know I love-"

"Lisa. You cheated on me, and I didn't give a shit," he said dryly. "I have no desire to go anywhere near you again, because even if I did want you, I know that I can't trust you. Now do me a favour, please, and go and find someone else to give you that baby you keep talkin' about, cos it sure as hell ain't gonna be me."

He folded his arms again, raising an eyebrow as a myriad of emotions crossed her face. She seemed to be trying to hide her frustration, but he couldn't care less. He just wanted her to leave, so he could get back to his friends, and try to get to know Cas a little better.

"Bye, Lisa," he said pointedly.

She started to argue back, but just then he looked above her head and furrowed his brow at the sight of Cas staggering out of the doors to the bar. He looked decidedly worse for wear, but the guy hadn't had that much to drink, surely? Muttering something dismissive at Lisa, he put his hands on her shoulders and moved her to one side, pushing his way back through the crowd to their table.

He slid in the booth next to Charlie, and nudged her. She turned to him.

"What's up with Cas?" he asked. She frowned at him, a trace of worry in her features.

"I don't know," she admitted. "He just said he needed air, and that he's be back."

"Should we go check on him?"

Charlie shrugged. "Maybe if he's not back in a few minutes? I got the feeling he didn't want me trailing after him."

"Sure," Dean said, as casually as possible. He was worried though. There was something about this guy, something that was screaming at Dean to look out for him, and he hadn't looked at all well when he'd staggered outside.

He managed to sit still and make a vague attempt to join in some conversation with Benny for about a minute and a half before he was on his feet again, and heading for the door. A hasty "hang on" thrown in Benny's direction as he went.

The cooling air of the night hit Dean like a sigh of relief when he got outside. He paused as the doors closed behind him, scanning the parking lot quickly for any sign of Cas. He wouldn't just disappear, would he?

Movement caught his attention over at one side of the lot, and he looked to his left to see someone sitting on the low wall at the edge. It was definitely Cas. What took him a little longer was working out who the other guy was that was standing behind hi, maybe eight or ten steps away from Cas' hunched figure. Wait, was that Gabe? Oh well, at least someone was looking after him.

Dean smiled, crossed his fingers that Gabriel hadn't started annoying the poor guy, and started walking towards them. He stopped when Cas suddenly shot to his feet and turned round to glare at Gabriel. For a brief moment he thought that Gabe had taken one of his usual jokes too far and Dean was going to have to apologise for him, but then Cas started speaking, in a voice that sounded utterly broken and made his heart stop for a second.

"You left me, Gabriel," he was saying. Wait, was Gabriel his _ex_? Dean's guts squirmed at the prospect.

"I know, Cas, but..."

"I dealt with it, alone, for seven years, because you left me there!" Cas was almost shouting now, and Dean dropped his ex-lovers theory quite quickly. Then finally remembered that Gabriel was, indeed, straight.

"I'm sorry, Cas, I came back, I did!"

"When?"

"Lots of times, I promise. I couldn't get to you; I couldn't get past him. I promise you, I tried."

Gabriel raised his hands out in submission, his voice raked with emotion, and Cas seemed to slump I front of him. Dean's entire being was screaming at him to go over there and pull the man into his arms, keep him from whatever hurt Gabriel was causing him with his presence, but his feet wouldn't move him from out of the shadows. They, at least, seemed to know that this was not a conversation he was meant to be listening to.

"Why didn't you take me with you?"

Gabe tensed, and Dean's mind was whirring with possibilities. "I couldn't, Cas. You know that."

"I don't know anything, Gabe, except that I lived with it for seven years, hoping that you would come back, or I would find a way to get away like you did."

"And you did, Cas. You're here."

Cas snorted. ""How did you know I was here?"

"I didn't, Cas. I've lived here for ten years. Dean Winchester mentioned your name yesterday. I had to come and tell you I was here, make sure that you're ok."

"You know what happened," Cas said bluntly.

"What do you mean? With Zach?"

"No. You know what happened in Maryland."

"Maryland? Cas, I don't know what you're talking about."

"Michael would've told you," Cas was almost cowering away from the conversation now, but clearly didn't believe Gabriel's confusion.

"Michael? I haven't spoken to Michael since before I came to Lawrence."

"You...what?"

Dean was listening to this absolutely rapt, but knew that he really needed to leave. He didn't want Cas to know that he'd heard any of this. He started walking slowly backwards, sticking to the shadows that had hidden him so well so far.

"Cas, what did he do?"

"It doesn't matter."

Their voices faded away as Dean got closer to the bar. He saw Cas turn back around and sit, his head dropping into his hands. He watched as Gabriel hesitantly approached and took a seat behind him. He reached the doors as he saw Gabriel hook an arm gently round the other man's shoulders, and then he was inside.

What the hell had he just seen? And whatever it was, how the hell did he fix it?

For the next two weeks Cas managed to avoid talking about what had happened at the bar. When he'd had enough and realised he'd needed to leave, he'd sent Gabriel to make his apologies to everyone. He figured it was the least he could do. The most discussion the night had brought him had been some ribbing about being a lightweight, but he'd laughed it off, and then kept himself as busy as possible. Charlie was the only flaw in his otherwise brilliant plan, but he was holding it together so far.

He hadn't heard from Gabriel at all, which was helping, slightly.

What was helping even more was that he'd clearly listened to Castiel's request and hadn't told anyone anything, as was evident by Dean Winchester's perfectly normal behaviour, the few times they had crossed paths during Dean's visits to his dad. Something about that was giving him great comfort.

"Cas? Which book are you on now?" Charlie suddenly appeared next to Cas, and automatically began helping him clear up the mess their latest emergency had made.

"Fourth."

"Really? Already?" Charlie looked impressed, but she needn't be. Since she had turned up with her 'lending set' of Harry Potter books the Monday after their bar experience, Cas had done little else with his free time but immerse himself in a world that took him suitably far away from this one.

"Wow, great," she continued. "Then you'll be good for tomorrow!"

"Tomorrow?" Cas frowned at the gauze and instruments he was trying to separate into different waste buckets.

"Tomorrow," Charlie said firmly. "We're going to marathon the first three movies, maybe four if you finish it tonight."

"Charlie..."

"Nope. No excuses accepted. My place, tomorrow. Come over for lunch, and we'll watch it all day."

Cas glanced up at her and saw the most ridiculous hang-dog expression on her face and couldn't help but laugh. "Alright, alright. Just put your normal face back on, ok?"

"Yes!" she squealed. "You're gonna love it, promise."

"What should I bring?"

"Hmmm. You make anything good?"

He shrugged. "I can bake."

"Excellent. You do dessert, and I'll take care of the rest, ok?"

This was how Castiel found himself knocking on the door of Charlie's apartment at one o'clock the next afternoon, clutching a dessert and a six pack of beer.

"Cas!" Charlie grinned as she opened the door. "Come on in!"

Castiel smiled at her, handing her his offerings so that he could remove his jacket. He looked around her apartment as she led him inside, and immediately began to see how a person could feel happily at home here. the walls were adorned with posters from a stream of movies, most of which he had never seen, including one of Harry Potter. There was a large bookcase against one wall, which housed an impressive number of books and some photographs. This is where he headed when she told him to make himself at home and headed for the kitchen to put his stuff away.

He quickly spotted some faces he knew, Dean's standing out to him, of course, but so did Meg's and Anna's, and there was a picture of Charlie with Dean and another tall man, who from the matching smile Cas assumed was his younger brother.

"Good picture of him, isn't it?" She said, appearing at his side suddenly and making him jump out of his skin. This was becoming a habit.

"Who?" he asked, blushing too quickly for him to stop it.

Charlie just laughed.

"Come on, let's start Sorcerer's Stone," she grabbed him by the arm and hauled him over to her comfortable-looking couch, shoving him into a seat and collapsing next to him. The movie was queued up and ready.

"We'll grab burgers in time for Hogwarts. Sound good?"

"Perfect," Cas replied, realising that this might have been exactly what he needed. Charlie had been a true friend to him since he arrived, and if he needed to, he felt like there wasn't much he could tell her that would result in her judging him negatively.

That didn't necessarily mean that he was ready for her to know anything, but, you know. If necessary, he had someone.

Charlie's burger-making skills turned out to be rather impressive, something which she gave credit to Dean for, and which was said with a sly look at Cas that he tried very much to ignore. It wasn't until halfway through the second movie that they even contemplated dessert.

"What did you bring, Cas? I just put the whole Tupperware in the fridge without even looking."

"It's just a pie," he shrugged, wincing along with Ron Weasley at the thought of the spiders they were about to encounter. The movie was suddenly paused. He turned to see Charlie gaping at him. "What?"

"Did you make a pie, Cas?"

"Uh, yeah?"

"Oh my God."

"Charlie, it's just a pie!" Cas was beyond confused. The look on Charlie's face suggested to him that something he had said had pulled her whole world together satisfactorily, but he couldn't imagine what it was. "I take it you like pie?"

"Oh yeah, I like pie. But I know someone else who _loves_ pie."

She actually clapped her hands in excitement and Cas had a horrible feeling that he understood it.

"Charlie..."

"Pie is Dean Winchester's favourite food on earth, and you make it! It's like you were meant to be. I totally ship it, well, I was shipping it before, but now I totally do! And I know my gaydar's not broken Cas, so don't try and tell me you're not into guys. Oh wow, just imagine how cute you guys would be! And how cute your babies would be, if we could sort such a thing I mean, wow..."

"Charlie!"

She finally snapped out of her babbling and looked at him, her eyes wide with excitement. "What?"

"What makes you think I even like Dean?" Cas' heart was pounding. Of course he liked Dean, but this was getting into dangerous territory. If Dean was gay, or bisexual (ex-girlfriend, duh!), then Cas had to stay away.

"Oh please! I've seen the way you look at him, Cas. And Dean has never asked so much about _anyone_ I've introduced him to before, so-"

"He what?"

"He asks about you! Have you seen Cas lately, how's he doing? Did he seem ok after the bar? Did you call him yet, Charlie, to check if he's ok? Blah, blah."

"He…he's just being nice."

"Yeah, sure," Charlie chuckled, eyes rolling.

"Charlie," he said firmly. "The guy flirts with everyone, every single person I have seen him speaking to – except me."

"Well of course he doesn't flirt with you, he _likes_ you!"

"That makes absolutely no sense, whatsoever."

"It does, trust me."

"I'd rather not."

"Are you still trying to tell me you don't like him?"

"He's a very nice man," Cas sighed, then frowned when Charlie started giggling, a hand covering her mouth.

"I'm sorry, Cas, but man, you don't need to be so formal about it! I know you like him, and I know he likes you, and now we have absolute proof that you guys are perfect for each other…"

"I hardly think making a pie counts as absolute proof!"

"…so what's the problem?" Charlie finished, ignoring him.

Castiel lay his head back on the sofa, and took a moment to think. He wasn't ready to tell her, anyone, anything. "I just…I can't, ok? Can we leave it at that? I do like him, Charlie, obviously. I just can't do anything about it."

"Are you married, Cas?" Charlie asked quietly.

"No," he answered, just as softly. "I'm not."

"Ok Cas," she slumped next to him with a sigh. "I give up. Can I just ask you one thing?"

"Sure."

"Are you alright?"

The question was so sincere, and so full of concern that Cas had to stop his eyes from tearing up. What he wouldn't have given for a friend like Charlie a year ago.

"I'm better," he whispered. It was an honest answer.

He felt his hand being squeezed. "Come on, let's keep going. Did you finish Goblet of Fire?"

Cas brought his head forward and smiled at her. "Sure did."

"Excellent! Better get settled in then Cas."

"Didn't you promise me pie?"

"Oh my God! I totally forgot, hang on."

Cas watched in amusement as Charlie practically bounded over the back of the couch and ran to the kitchen. He heard her opening cupboards and the light clank of plates and cutlery. A few seconds later he laughed out loud when he heard a squeal. "Pecan, Cas! You never said it was the _best_ pie!"

He was still chuckling when the doorbell rang through the apartment.

"Can you get that, Cas? I'm doing delicate things with pie and ice cream here!"

"Sure!" he called back, and dutifully got up to answer the door. A voice suddenly shouted through it as a hand banged loudly on it.

"Come on, Charlie, I gotta piss, man!"

Oh crap. Cas opened the door just as Dean's hand reached out to bang on the door again.

"Hello, Dean."

"Oh, shit. Sorry," a blush spread rapidly up Dean's neck until it covered his cheeks. "Heya, Cas."

A couple of seconds later Cas realised he was just staring aimlessly at the other man, and was barring the way into Charlie's apartment. "Sorry," he said, stepping back. "Are you coming in?"

"Uh, sure," the blush hadn't dissipated. "What are you guys up to?"

"Harry Potter marathon."

"Shit, Cas. You finished those already?" Dean's embarrassment was momentarily forgotten as he gaped at the nurse.

Cas shook his head. "No, just the first four."

"Right. Well, uh, I still have to, um, pee, so I'll just, uh…" Dean trailed off as he backed away, then turned and almost ran in the direction of Charlie's bathroom. Cas headed straight to the kitchen, where Charlie looked up with a smile from where she was still wrestling with ice cream.

"Did you invite him here?" Cas hissed.

"Who?"

"Dean!"

"Uh, no," Charlie winced. "Where is he?"

"Bathroom. I should go."

"What? Why?"

"You know why!"

"No, I know you don't want me to push you two together, and I know that you are crazy for thinking that's a good plan, but I have no idea why you can't be friends with the guy." Charlie looked genuinely puzzled. A scoop of ice cream flopped onto the table.

Cas felt miserable. How the hell was this guy doing this to him? He barely knew him!

"I just can't. I can't be around him."

"Can't be around who?" said Dean's voice from behind Cas. And from the hurt that Cas could detect, he knew exactly who Cas was talking about.


	4. A Sliver of Truth

_A/N Thank you all so much for your reviews and encouragement! Here's another little chapter for you all…_

 **A Sliver of Truth**

He couldn't stop the words before they came out. He knew as soon as he asked his stupid question _exactly_ who Castiel has been talking about, and now he had just made the whole thing more uncomfortable than ever.

The answering silence, however, turned his embarrassment into anger, and hurt.

Cas didn't move. Dean watched his shoulders tense as soon as he spoke, but the guy didn't even try to turn around and face him. Didn't even try to lie. So Dean did the sensible thing. He looked up, caught Charlie's pained gaze, and told her he was leaving.

"Dean, wait..."

"It's fine, Charlie. I'll catch you later."

He left the apartment in even more desperation than he had arrived, and started jogging down the stairs. He was pissed, quite rightly too. What the hell had he ever done to the guy? Wait, did he know that Dean had eavesdropped on what had turned out to be an extremely private conversation?

No. He couldn't. Nobody knew he had heard anything. He hadn't even said anything to Charlie when he got back in, just said he couldn't see him and they'd call him if he didn't turn up soon.

So why the hell was he so uncomfortable to be around him? He stepped out into the evening air and took a deep breath.

Oh. But he hadn't been that obvious, had he? Usually he was quite good at keeping himself in check when he had a crush, especially when he had no idea if the object of his affections even liked guys. But he had found it especially difficult with Cas. The guy just...spoke to him. He felt this weird bond with him, even though they had only spoken a few times. He had tried to keep conversations at the hospital with him short, but he had found himself needing to see the nurse's shy smile, and he had been going out of his way to make it happen. Somehow, it soothed him around the hellish visits to see his dad.

Na. There was no way Cas new that Dean wanted him so badly. He hadn't even flirted with the guy at all since the disastrous night out. Every other nurse was fair game, but he had behaved himself around Cas. Hadn't he?

Dean reached the Impala and opened the door, but he couldn't bring himself to slide inside and drive away. Instead he rested against the driver door, his back to Charlie's apartment block and the scene of his current hurt and humiliation. What the hell was he going to do now?

Inside, Castiel was drowning in guilt. He'd started with mortification as soon as he realised that Dean had known he was the subject of his little chat with Charlie, but when Dean had left so awkwardly, clearly trying to hide the confused hurt in his voice, Cas' emotions had done a full swing into guilt. He was an ass.

When the front door clicked shut, Castiel finally raised his eyes to look at Charlie, who was scowling at him.

"Charlie-"

"He doesn't deserve that," she said bluntly.

Cas winced. "I know, but I didn't do it on purpose!"

"You could've lied, or apologised, or something!"

"I'm a terrible liar," Castiel sighed, slumping against the kitchen worktop. "And apologising would've meant admitting it was him I was talking about, and then that would've meant explaining what I meant. How do you tell a guy 'I'm sorry, you make me uncomfortable because I'm unbelievably attracted to you and I'm scared you don't like me back, but I'm even more scared that you could, because I can't have a relationship, ever'?"

Charlie stared at him. "What the hell do you mean, you can't have a relationship, ever?"

"Exactly what I said. Not ever," Cas said firmly.

Charlie narrowed her eyes at him. She was clearly upset for Cas and this bleak outlook of his life he was sharing with her, but her loyalty to Dean was winning out.

"Either way; you need to fix this. Dean's my friend, and he's a good guy. And he _likes_ you. Right now he's feeling that rejection you're scared of, so what are you going to do about it?"

Castiel stared at her blankly for a moment. What the hell _could_ he do? Well, he could man up and deal with it. Dean had been nothing but nice to him, had gone out of his way to speak to Cas every time he came to the hospital and Cas was working. He owed him _something_ , at least. With a groan at the inevitable embarrassment that awaited him, Cas turned and rushed out of the kitchen.

What the fuck was he standing out here for, moping against his car like a goddam girl? He'd be growing boobs and wearing panties next, for fuck sake. Rolling his eyes, he turned around and wrenched open the driver's door.

"Dean?"

He glanced up. he hadn't heard the door to Charlie's block opening, but there he was: the culprit of Dean's current torment. So he went with his instincts, and bit back.

"What the hell do you want, Cas? I'm leaving, ok? I wouldn't want to make you feel uncomfortable or anything, dude."

The nurse in the doorway actually winced when Dean threw his words back at him, and it made him pause for a moment, rather than fling himself in the car and drive away. Instead, he stood and watched as the raven-haired man warily stepped towards him until he was standing at the other side of the car.

"I want to...I need...," Cas trailed off. Dean would've smirked at how cute he looked in his embarrassed awkwardness, in normal circumstances. "Fucking hell. I'm sorry, Dean. That's what I wanted to say...I apologise."

Dean waited for a moment, but nothing else seemed to be forthcoming. "Definitely me, then," he said, raising an eyebrow. "I didn't misread that situation?"

Castiel sighed. "No, you didn't. I'm sorry I made you feel bad."

Dean was totally confused. "Can I ask why, Cas? I didn't think I'd done anything to make you feel..."

"No, Dean! No. This is all me. All me. I promise. You've been nothing but nice to me, and I am ashamed that I returned that favour by being so insulting."

"Cas, there must be a reason..." He wasn't any clearer on what the hell was going on in Cas' head.

Cas' eyes widened in what Dean was horrified to see was panic.

"Cas, I just wanted to...I think. Christ, we're both shit at this!" Dean sent a ary smile to Cas, but it wasn't returned. He sighed. "Look. I got the feeling from you the first time we met that you needed some friends, and that you and I could be good ones. I'm sorry if I was wrong about that, but being uncomfortable around me suggests a whole lot more than just not liking me, man."

"I do."

"Huh?" The words were so quiet Dean hadn't quite heard them.

"I do. I like you. That's the problem." Cas rested his forearms on the car and bowed his head.

"You've totally lost me, dude."

Cas lifted his head and frowned over at him. "I like you, Dean. I find it difficult to be around you because I like you a little too much. Any clearer now?"

"Woah, man," Dean raised his hands in mock-defence. Cas bit his lip in apology for his tone. Jesus Christ that was distracting. Focus, Dean. "So, you're telling me that I make you uncomfortable, because you like me? As in, want to go out for dinner and a movie and maybe get my clothes off like me?"

"Yes, Dean." Cas hoped his face wasn't burning, because damn that was a pleasant image. But no. he wasn't allowed that.

"But, why not just ask me out, man?"

Cas sighed. Here was the difficult bit. "I didn't know if you were gay for a start."

"I'm bi."

"Yes, Lisa and my conversation with Charlie has made that clearer."

Dean started to walk around the car, but Cas kept talking.

"I can't, Dean."

"You can't what?"

"I can't act on any feelings I might have, requited or otherwise."

Dean stopped and stared at Cas. "Why the fuck not?"

"Can we just leave it at that, please?"

He wanted to demand that Cas explain himself, but that damn vulnerable puppy look kicked in again, and Dean just found himself wanting to protect that guy from whatever the hell was stopping him living his life.

"Cas..."

"Please, Dean. For now, at least, can I please not have to explain any more?"

The firefighter looked over the man in front of him and sighed. "You're killing me here, man, but ok."

Cas smiled at him, relief clear in his eyes. Some kind of shit had clearly happened in the guy's past, and one day Dean would find out what the hell it was.

"Will you dome back inside?" he asked, softly.

"Are you sure?"

"We've still got some movies to watch, and it might be difficult for me, Dean, but I would very much like your friendship."

Dean searched his face thoroughly for any doubt in the man's face, but finding none he shrugged in acquiescence and finished his walk round the car and joined Cas as he headed back inside.

"Just for info, Cas," he said softly, bumping his shoulder. "It's totally requited."

The nurse's head dropped. Life was so damn unfair. He stopped in front of Dean, tilting his head gently to one side as the other man stopped and stared at him, confused. He watched his flecked green eyes widen and smirked slightly. If Dean was going to play that game, he was going to make it difficult for him too.

"Are you hungry, Dean?"

"Always," he answered warily.

"Good. I made pie." He turned and started up the stairs to the apartment.

"You what? You _made_...Cas!" He chuckled as Dean whined behind him. He pulled out his last weapon as they reached the door.

"It's pecan."

He laughed as he walked inside, Dean groaning behind him. He stopped abruptly when a hand snaked out and gripped his wrist, somehow soft in its firmness. He felt Dean step up closely behind him, and suddenly the firefighter was practically growling in his ear, his breath warm on Cas' neck. Dean sighed, and it was filled with sadness.

"I will make you cave, Cas. I promise. I can't resist you, man, and I'm going to be here until you can't resist me either. Then we're gonna deal with whatever shit you need to deal with to be happy. You deserve it, I know you do, and Goddam do I want to be there when you're ready for it."

Dean's lips ghosted a kiss over the shell of his ear, and then Cas was alone. He stood still in the hallway, listening as Dean went into the kitchen, enthusiastically greeting Charlie and then exclaiming over what Cas assumed was the pie he had made that morning. He could still feel the lips on his ear, and he shivered.

Resisting Dean Winchester was going to be damn hard, and this was going to be a very dangerous game. Half on him wanted to play it, but the sensible part of him was screaming about the danger of losing. Straightening his shoulders, he headed for the kitchen, pushing down the aching sadness as he made his decision. He was going to be the best damn friend he could be, but he wouldn't step an inch beyond it.

No matter how much his heart was telling him that this could be the happiness he had been waiting for.


	5. Consequences

_A/N Thanks for the reads and reviews, guys! For some reason I can't see any of the reviews, but I'm going to assume that they'll come in soon, and that they'll be encouraging, as always._

 _This one gets a little angsty (note at the end for trigger warnings!)_

 _Enjoy._

 _B x_

 **Consequences**

 _U comin over 2nite?_

Cas looked at the text with the usual butterflies in his stomach. It had been two months, but every single time he got a message, or spoke to him, Castiel's stomach started dancing a jig.

 _Sure. Charlie still coming?_

 _Yeah. Don't worry, am not trying to get you alone._

Cas flushed. He had been very good at making sure that he and Dean were never truly alone. The only time they spoke without a friend present was when they came across each other at the hospital, or if Charlie was late for their fortnightly movie marathons.

 _What should I bring?_

 _Just ur gorgeous self ;)_

Cas rolled his eyes. Dean had been very good about Cas' continuous work to keep himself safe from temptation, but it didn't stop the man flirting with him constantly.

 _Shut up, Dean._

 _U shut up_

 _I'll see you later._

 _U bet ur ass u will :)_

Cas tucked his phone into the pocket of his jeans and grinned as he hauled his bag out of his locker. He loved spending time with Dean, and they had truly become good friends over the past few weeks. The little nagging voice in his brain of course kept pointing out how much better that time would be if he would just give in and allow himself the kind of relationship with Dean that he really wanted, but he was not going to allow that to happen.

No matter how hard Dean tried to convince him, or how desperately he wanted to kiss him every time he saw him.

Shoving his locker closed, Cas realised he was still grinning as he left the room and headed for the hospital exit. He didn't care. He looked forward to his evenings with Dean, and Charlie of course - and so far, he was surviving.

Dean was doing some frantic tidying. Usually, movie night took place at Charlie's place, but some sort of temporary insanity had made him suggest that they relocate this week, and spend the evening at his. He was a fairly tidy person, but tidy for yourself and tidy for people coming over, especially when one of those people was the subject of all your affections, were two different things. He only just managed to stop himself putting clean sheets on his bed; no way in hell was he going to be needing a clean bed for company, worse luck.

Finally sitting on the couch in his super-tidy apartment, he pulled out his phone and scrolled through his text conversations with Cas. He felt ridiculous every time he did this, but he couldn't stop himself. It was like he needed to see the contact, to make sure that he wasn't imagining their friendship or something. Ridiculous.

The third time he'd caught himself doing it, Dean had realised just how far gone he was.

Now, he accepted it for what it was. His feelings for Castiel had been pretty damn strong since he'd met him, but now he knew exactly how deep his feelings ran, and how painful I would be if he let himself think about it too much. They were friends, very much so, and Dean would take what he could get,

His phone buzzed with a new text, making him jump slightly.

 _Hey man. What you doing tonight? My plans with Kali fell through._

Dena winced. HIs instinct so far had been not to mention Castiel in front of Gabriel. He felt a bit ridiculous hiding a friendship when he didn't know anything about the situation between Cas and Gabriel, but the latter hadn't mentioned the nurse at all since that night two months ago and Dean was beginning to think more and more outlandish and worrying things about what was going on.

 _Got people coming over 2 watch a couple of movies. Welcome to join if u want._

There. That was innocent enough. He bit his lip as he waited for Gabriel's reply, not sure if he wanted the man to come or not. He wondered if he should mention Cas' name. Luckily, Gabriel gave him an excuse to.

 _Could do. What u watching?_

Last to HP movies. Finishing Castiel's education of the wizarding world.

Now it was out of his hands, and up to Gabe. That had been causal enough, hadn't it? A mention of Cas as if he talked about him all the time.

Gabriel's answer wasn't quick to arrive, and Dean got himself a beer as he nervously wondered if he'd done the right thing. Eventually, his phone buzzed.

 _K. Might see you later._

Shit. Now that he thought about it, this struck him as being a very bad idea. Perhaps luckily, he didn't have time to dwell on it as his door buzzed. Gabe wouldn't show; it would be fine. Surely.

Throwing himself over the back of the couch, he jogged to the door and pressed the buzzer, throwing the door open in time for Cas to reach his floor. He grinned as the nurse looked up and caught his eye, gracing him with one of those rare but beautiful smiles that flipped Dean's heart over.

"Hey, man."

"Hello, Dean."

Dean stepped aside to let Cas pass him into the apartment, but didn't step completely out of the way so that Cas had to squeeze past him a little bit. He chuckled softly as Castiel rolled his eyes at him as he moved by, then choked on it as Cas' hand reached out and pinched his waist before he moved completely inside. Evidently it was going to be one of those nights.

"Your home is lovely, Dean," Cas called, and Dean realised he was still standing frozen in the doorway. Shaking off the stupor, he strode confidently into where Cas was standing in his living room, admiring the simple but homely décor that Dean enjoyed.

"Thanks. You want the tour?"

"Sure."

They wasted a few minutes waiting for Charlie, moving around the apartment with Dean explaining what he had done to the place since he'd bought it, and what he planned to do in the future.

"It sounds amazing, Dean," Cas said as they arrived back in the living room.

He shrugged. "It could be. Dunno if I'll do it all here though, or wait until I can get myself a house instead."

"You want a house?"

"I want the whole thing, Cas. House, family, dog. Full apple pie life," Dean gazed at Cas warmly, unable to stop himself imagining Cas feeding their dog in their big, square kitchen as he cooked. "Don't you?"

"I don't know, Dean," Cas said quietly, eyes suddenly sad. "I've never really thought about it. Not with any idea of being able to have it."

They were silent for a moment and Dean felt his heart break slightly as Cas tried to smile normally. One day, he would break the enigma of this man and whoever had made him suffer would know it back, ten-fold.

"You alright, Cas?"

"I'm fine, Dean. You got beer?"

"Sure, dude. Let's go."

Charlie arrived just as they settled in front of the TV, a respectable distant between them as Cas took the single armchair instead of joining Dean on the couch. No way was he going to sidle up close to the man. Being in his space was hard enough.

"Hey guys!" Charlie greeted them cheerily. "Sorry I'm late! Couldn't find part two anywhere, but I found it in my laptop bag eventually. Did I miss anything?"

"Just the grand tour, but you've seen it already. Want to put the movie on, and I'll grab you a beer?"

"Hey, Cas," Charlie said as she got to her knees in front of Dean's dvd player. "You alright?"

"Fine, Charlie. Thanks."

She smiled warmly at him then turned back to the machine and let her face drop into a slight frown. These two were driving her crazy, but for some reason they just weren't getting their act together. She knew, of course, that Castiel had this weird rule about no relationships, but she was sure he would've broken by now.

A few minutes later, they were comfortable and ready to start the first movie. Cas watched carefully, while Dean mostly just watched him enjoying it. There was something about watching movies that made Castiel relax completely, and there was something about a completely relaxed Castiel that made Dean's chest ache. He watched him laugh at the disturbing sight of several Harry Potters, watched him frown at Ron's behaviour, watched him be confused by all the changes from the book he had loved.

It was as he was watching Cas trying to not be devastated by the end of the first movie that the door buzzer went, and Gabriel proved himself to have what Dean later decided was the worst timing ever.

With a sinking feeling, Dean cast one last look at a sad Cas, who was at least laughing at himself for being so sad about something he knew was coming, before he moved to answer the door. A few seconds later Gabriel reached the apartment and swept past Dean with a fairly poor attempt at his usual grin. Dean sighed and followed him in, entering his living room to find a frozen Castiel, an awkward-looking Gabe, a confused Charlie, and a complete lack of any positive atmosphere.

"Hey Charlie. Hey, Cas. How's it going?"

Castiel got stiffly to his feet, his face drained of color. "What are you doing here, Gabriel?"

"I was invited," the older man shrugged.

Cas glanced at Dean, noticing the nervous look on the man's face, then back at Gabriel. "Did you know I was going to be here?"

Gabe didn't say anything, and Castiel closed his eyes in pain. He knew he could never have this. He should've known.

"You promised you'd leave me alone."

"What the hell is going on here, guys?" Charlie spoke up. She was appalled by the look on Castiel's face at the sight of Gabriel. She looked at Dean, and saw that he didn't seem quite so surprised by Cas' current state as she was. "Dean?"

Dean just shook his head.

"Cas, come on. You have to let me make this up to you, please!"

Gabe moved towards him with his arms stretched, but the horrified look on Castiel's face made him freeze.

Cas suddenly realised that nobody else in the room had any idea what was going on, and his face flushed in mortification.

"I'm sorry. I have to go," he blurted out before rushing for the door.

"Cas, wait!"

He couldn't even tell who had called after him as he headed blindly for the door. His head was rushing and his lungs weren't working properly. He knew he was having the beginnings of a panic attack, but he needed to get out of there. Now.

He was scrabbling with the lock when a hand reached out and covered his, pulling it away from the door. Strong arms wrapped around him from behind, holding his arms to his torso.

"Breathe, Cas. Just breathe, please," Dean murmured in his ear, then slowly walked him to the kitchen, never releasing his hold. He mumbled apologies over and over again as they moved. His eyes filled with tears as he felt Castiel trying to hold in a sob. He kicked the kitchen door shut and turned Cas in his arms until he was holding him properly. "Keep breathing, baby. That's it."

Slowly they sank to the floor, Cas' face hidden tightly in Dean's neck as he fought to breathe steadily. Dimly, he was aware that soon he was going to be more embarrassed than he had been in a long time, but for now all he could really focus on was a need to breathe, and the need to cling on.

Dean was horrified. He had done this, he had let Gabe come here, knowing that there was something going on that had panicked Castiel before. This was his fault; his and whatever part of Gabriel's brain had told him it would be ok.

"I'm sorry, Cas. I'm so sorry," he began to mumble into Cas' ear as his breathing finally slowed. "I shouldn't have... I shouldn't have told him to come over. I should have known, I should've thought. I'm so sorry, so sorry."

Cas pulled back far enough to look at Dean with confusion. "Why are you sorry, you couldn't possibly...did he tell you?!"

Dean shook his head vigorously; Cas looked absolutely sickened at the thought the Gabriel had been talking. "No, I promise. He never said a word."

"Then how-"

"I heard you," Dean's couldn't meet Cas' eyes, ashamed of himself.

"What?" Cas whispered, appalled.

Get a grip, Winchester. Man up and admit it! "The night at the bar. I came outside to check on you, but before I reached you Gabe was there. I heard you talking. I didn't mean to listen to anything private, honestly. I just needed to make sure you were alright, and I wasn't sure what Gabriel could be doing there with you, and then when you started talking I didn't want to make you uncomfortable by letting you know I was there, so I..."

"You stayed. And listened."

Dean searched Cas' eyes for a clue to what emotion hid behind them. HIs voice was flat; and his eyes were carefully blank.

"I'm sorry, Cas. I'm so sorry."

"But why didn't you...you never asked. Anything."

Dean shrugged, grateful that Cas hadn't moved out of his arms yet. "I figured that you'd tell if you needed to. And I've made sure that I'm here for you, but it's not my business. Not until you're ready for it to be."

"Gabriel?"

"He hasn't mentioned you since that night. I kind of assumed things might be ok then, which is why I said he was ok to come round."

Cas looked at him for a moment until he was sure that Dean was telling him the truth. He nodded, then let his face fall back into Dean's neck. This wasn't helping his plan to keep his distance, but right now the only place he wanted to be was as close to the man as possible.

"Did he know I was here?" he asked quietly.

"Yeah. He knew," Dean whispered back, tightening his arms protectively around Cas' still shaking torso. "Do I need to kick him out?" Dean had always thought Gabriel to be a good guy, but clearly there was more to him than met the eye.

Castiel was silent for a few moments. "Just give me a minute," he said into Dean's neck. "I'll speak to him." There was no way he could hide their story anymore. It wasn't fair to Dean or Charlie. And if he was going to tell them, he wanted Gabe there to hear it all.

"You sure?" Dean closed his eyes as he felt Cas not his answer against his neck. He was glad that Cas was willing to talk to him, but he really didn't want to move. He supposed he just had to hope that holding Cas like this was not going to be a one-time deal.

When they re-entered the living room, Gabriel was pacing around the floor, his hands clenched at his sides, and Charlie was sitting curled in Cas' abandoned armchair, her fingers pressed against her mouth in distress. It was to her that Castiel address his quiet apology as he let Dean lead him to the couch. Gabriel stopped pacing and gazed at him in sorrow as he curled quietly into Dean's side, the firefighter's arm never leaving its firm place across his shoulders.

"Cas, I'm sorry, I just wanted to speak to you, I-" Gabriel sat down suddenly on the floor in front of the couch, the expression on his face beseeching Cas for some kind of forgiveness. Charlie and Dean were both frozen, waiting for something to happen.

"Dean, Charlie," Cas spoke quietly. "Meet my big brother."

"Your what?!" both of them spoke at the same time.

"Well, my step-brother."

"What the hell, man..."

Cas put his hand gently on Dean's arm. "Just let me tell you." And he began to speak.

"My mother married Gabriel's father when I was four. My own father drifted a lot and eventually my mother divorced him. Then she married Uri. Gabriel was nine years older than me, and straight away became my big brother."

"He was such a cute kid, and he followed me like a damn puppy," Gabriel added quietly, dropping his head with a sigh.

"I was seven the first time I noticed the bruises," Cas continued. "He wouldn't tell me the truth about where they had come from, but I knew that the marks covering his back weren't from falling off his bike. It scared me. My mother didn't care about either of us, so I couldn't ask her. And I was always scared of Uri."

Gabriel looked up at him with a weak smile. "You stuck to me like glue after that, Cassie. Somehow feeling like you should protect me. And it worked; he left me alone while you were hanging around."

Cas nodded, while Charlie curled herself even tighter into a ball, and Dean fought against the urge to pull Cas deeply into his embrace.

"When I was nine, Gabriel vanished."

Dean's eyes shot to Gabriel, whose eyes dropped to the floor again as his shoulders hunched in in misery. Instantly, Dean knew what happened next.

"Uri left me alone, for about three months. Then one day he came home drunk, and he came to my bedroom. I was sleeping. I had, once again, cried myself to sleep when Gabriel didn't come home. I think seeing the evidence of my tears when he dragged me out of bed was what changed his mind."

Gabriel's head whipped up to look at him, but Castiel avoided his gaze. Gabe needed to know, but this was going to hurt.

"I think he was just going to use his fists, knock me around a bit, but he looked at my face, snarled at me about being weak and pathetic, then dragged me down to the basement. That time, he used his belt."

Gabriel looked sick as he threw himself to his feet and started pacing again. "The fucking belt," he spat. "That bastard. I never thought he would, Cassie, I never thought..."

"Gabriel. Sit down and let him finish," Charlie said quietly. She could see that this was some sort of therapy for them, and they needed to see it through.

Cas sighed and tipped his head back to lean against Dean's shoulder. "Once he started, he didn't stop. He took me down there, at least one night every week, and beat me. Sometimes he used the belt, sometimes his fists, or his feet. And every night I prayed."

His head snapped up to look at the miserable figure of the brother he had so adored. "Every night, Gabriel. I prayed that you would come back for me, that you hadn't left me there for him, to replace you." Tears were streaming down his face now, a matching set gracing Gabriel's.

"I tried, Cassie, I promise. I tried. I never thought he'd touch you, but I came for you anyway. So many times. I tried."

Cas looked at him and slowly nodded.

"What happened, Cas?" Dean asked quietly, his own voice raw with horror.

"I knew I had to leave after the baseball bat," he whispered.

"Fuck, Cassie, please, no. No, no."

Castiel nodded. "He broke my arms and three of my ribs with it, after he caught me...kissing another boy. The rage in his face, I'll never forget it. He phoned an ambulance eventually, told them I'd been attacked by an intruder. He spent weeks talking to the police and everything."

"Why didn't you say anything, Cas?"

Cas looked at Charlie and answered her question bluntly. "Because he told me what he would with the bat next time."

Charlie covered her mouth, the implication of Cas' words hitting her like a blow to the gut.

"He left me alone while I recovered, but I took off from the hospital when the last cast was removed. Got a friend from school to help me."

Everyone sat in shocked silence. Castiel shrugged. And that's it. That's how we know each other, and that's why I couldn't bear to see him. I could never stand the thought of anyone knowing, so I never told a soul. My friend gave me money and a bus ticket, and I got myself a job. Eventually I went back to school, and here I am. I wanted to leave it all behind, everything, but seeing Gabe, I just... I'm sorry."

"What the fuck are you apologising for?" Dean blurted out, horrified, as he removed his arm from Cas' shoulders and stood looking down at him. Cas just blinked at him, as if he didn't understand the question. Dean whirled around to point down at Gabe. "And why the fuck are you _not_ apologising?"

"Dean..." Cas said quietly, but Dean ignored him.

"He was nine, for fuck sake, and you left him there! Alone! You're supposed to be the big brother, Gabe, you're supposed to do everything you can to look after him, not leave him behind when you make your own escape from your psycho dad!"

Dean's face was rigid with fury, but Gabe was on the edge now and stood quickly to stand nose to nose with him. "Don't you think I know that, Winchester?! Don't you think I know that I am fucking useless? That I'm a coward? I'm everything that bastard said I was, and I left my little brother there to face worse than I ever had to, and I hate myself for it! Is that what you want to hear?!"

"Gabriel, please," Cas stood and inserted himself between the two men. "I know, ok? It's not your fault. Please. And Dean, you have to believe that too. You're not angry with each other."

The streaks of tears that covered Castiel's cheeks made Dean's heartbreak a little more, and he reached blindly out and pulled the other man to him. He caught Gabriel's eye and gave a quick nod.

"Uh, Cassie?" Gabe said quietly. "I think I'm gonna go, okay? I need to...well, you need to... Can I call you tomorrow?"

"Come on, I'll see you out," Cas said instead. Pulling himself from Dean's arms and leading Gabriel to the door.

As soon as they left the room. Dean practically collapsed on the couch. "Jesus, shit, Charlie."

"I know, Dean."

"What do we even do now?"

"What do you want to do?" Charlie unfolded herself and sat on the edge of the chair, her head resting in her hands.

Dean sighed and sat back, looking to the ceiling. "I want to punch Gabe for leaving him there, even though I know it's not his fault. I want to find this Uri and beat the shit out of him, and threaten to rape him with a baseball bat. I want to see his mother in jail for abandoning her child, possibly his dad too."

"And then?"

"And then," Dean snorted dismissively. His voice was quiet and hoarse when he finished his thought. "Then I want to make him let me love him."

"Oh, Dean," Charlie said sadly.

"Yeah, I know."

A minute or two later, Castiel came back into the room and Charlie immediately stood and pulled him into a hug. "I'm gonna go now, Cas, ok? But don't go home. Stay here with Dean. You don't need to be alone just now. I'll see you at work tomorrow night, yeah?"

Cas nodded, giving her a squeeze of thanks. She returned it briefly before letting him go, then giving Dean a quick wave before she left. By the time the front door closed, Dean had pulled Cas by the hand until he was sitting next to him on the couch again, tucked into his side in the only way that Dean could think to protect him.

They sat in silence for several minutes.

"I never meant to burden you with all of that," Cas said quietly.

"It's not a burden, Cas," Dean bit down his anger at Cas' words. "I'm your friend."

It came out more of a question than a statement.

"Yes, Dean."

Their silence stretched on. They were both emotionally drained, and worried about what happened next.

"Cas?"

"Yes, Dean?"

"Will you stay?"

"Dean, I can't..."

"I'm not expecting anything from you, Cas. I just...I'm not ready to let go of you yet, and I don't think you should be alone."

"Gabriel and Charlie both said the same thing."

"Well, then. It must be right."

Cas sighed then pulled away to sit up, turning round on his seat so that his legs were crossed and he was facing Dean. He was shocked to see how emotional the other man was. He gazed at him for a few minutes, until the firefighter began squirming in discomfort.

"What is it?"

Cas sighed, tears springing to his eyes again. "I just, I really wish that I could, Dean."

"Could what?"

"Let myself."

Be happy. Love him. Have him. Kiss him.

"Is it because of, you know, everything you just told us?" Dean was still struggling to understand. Was it the baseball bat? Had the punishment worked?

Cas smiled sadly. "No, Dean."

Dean just sighed and nodded, back to facing the ceiling again. "Are you sure you don't just...not like me?" he tried to smile and break the ice with a little bit of humour. "Cos maybe you're just nuts, man. I'm fucking adorable."

Gentle fingers reached out and cradled his cheek, and a slight sniffle made him turn to see Cas' face once again home to fresh tears. "I'm a mess, Dean," he gave a watery smile. "You don't want to deal with all of this. Trust me."

There was nothing he could say to that. They both knew it to be completely untrue. Instead, he reached over and hauled Castiel into his lap, wrapping himself tightly around him and pressing kisses to his temple until the tears stopped again.

"Maybe I like a challenge," he eventually said, softly, lips still grazing the side of Cas' head.

If he hadn't been sitting down already, you could've knocked him over with half a feather when Castiel suddenly turned his head and pressed his lips to Dean's. In the two seconds it took his brain to catch up with what had happened, Cas had twisted in his lap and was now straddling him, with both of his hands clenched in Dean's hair.

"Dean," he breathed against his lips.

It was all the instruction Dean needed to press back to Cas' soft mouth with a groan, gripping his hips tightly with both hands. Ten minutes ago, he thought he'd died and gone to hell, but now, as Cas opened his mouth under his and invited Dean's tongue to tangle smoothly with his own, Dean knew that he was discovering what heaven tasted like. And he was going to savour every moment.

 _A/N Warning for description of abuse and implied threat of sexual assault!_


	6. To have or not to have?

Neither of them woke the next morning wrapped in contentment, sure that now everything would be ok. That they were going to make this work. That they were allowed to feel happy about the night before.

Castiel woke in a state of panic. He snapped awake as soon as his awakening mind was focused enough to realise that the heat at his back was a human body, and that the arm clamped around his waist, with a hand resting on his belly (a hand which he was gripping onto, with fingers laced together), was Dean's.

Dean felt it as soon as Cas woke. He himself had been awake for about an hour, having come to with a sense of dread squashing down any happiness he was able to feel. He had lain there since, not moving an inch, soaking in the feeling of Cas pressed against him, their heads lying on the same pillow, their hands still locked together tightly in the way that they had fallen asleep the night before. He had willed Castiel to stay asleep, to let him have this for just a little bit longer, as the expression in the nurse's eyes when he'd turned away from Dean and burrowed back into him the night before had told him quite clearly that this would not be happening again.

The sadness in that expression had almost broken Dean. Again.

Now, he felt Castiel come to with a jerk and just managed to stop himself from tightening his hold further in a bid to stop the man from escaping his embrace. Instead, he kept his breath even and let Cas think he was still asleep, so that he could find out what he would do.

Castiel let himself panic for a whole thirty seconds, before allowing himself to relax. He wasn't going to be a coward and try to slip away while Dean still slept, instead he would wait and speak to the man, and explain that what happened between them the night before had been a mistake, and that he was sorry, but it couldn't happen again.

He sighed as he finished the thought in his head. Life was so damn unfair sometimes. Why did he have to meet Dean _now_? Why couldn't Dean have been in Maryland, in Baltimore, instead of Lawrence? Why couldn't Dean have been _there_ , then this whole nightmare with Michael might never have happened, and he might have been able to be happy for the first time since his mother had married Uri.

His fingers automatically tightened around Dean's for a moment as he forced himself to realise that he had to give this up, today, and another sigh escaped him.

Dean couldn't listen to the sad noises any more.

"Cas?" he whispered.

"Don't, Dean," Castiel murmured back. "Just let me pretend, for another minute, please?"

Dean groaned softly and pressed his face into the back of Cas' neck, unable to resist pressing a kiss to the soft skin below his hairline.

"You're killing me here, Cas."

Like a shot, Castiel was out of his arms and was sitting on the edge of the bed, his head in his hands. "I'm so sorry, Dean. I've been completely selfish, I..."

"Hey, hey, man," Dean admonished him, looking in dismay at the naked back that had been pressed so beautifully against him a moment before. "I'm not complaining, alright?" He wanted to reach out and run his hand down the beautiful skin, but he didn't.

"I shouldn't have stayed, I shouldn't have..."

"Don't, Cas," Dean said sharply, sitting up to position himself in a despondent mirror image on the opposite side of the bed. He couldn't look any more without touching, so he moved away from temptation.

"What?"

"Don't tell me you regret it, ok? If rutting like adolescents on the couch until we came in our pants is all I'm going to get from you, then please don't take even that away."

The gruffness of Dean's voice didn't hide the sadness in it, and Cas twisted himself slightly to glance over at him. Guilt hit him like a sledge hammer when he saw the miserable picture Dean exhibited on the other side of the mattress. "I'm sorry, Dean. I should go."

Cas stood quietly and reached down to lift up the clothes he had stripped off before collapsing into Dean's bed the night before. He was just pulling the jeans over his boxers when Dean turned to face him.

"Stay."

"Dean, I can't..."

"I just mean as a friend, Cas. Please? I still don't think you should be alone, and I...I'm scared, man, that if you leave here now after what happened last night that we won't get past it, and I don't think I'm ready to lose you completely. Besides, despite all the craziness and this weird connect between, we hardly really know each other. Please?"

Castiel gazed at him for a few moments, contemplating. He realised quickly that he could only see honesty in his face, and sighed in resignation.

"Get dressed, Dean. We can watch a movie or two if you want."

"You don't have to sound quite so pleased about it," Dean smiled softly, relief poorly hidden in his features.

"I'll be more pleased about it once you tell me what you're making for breakfast, and if, um..."

"And what?"

"And if you could give me some clean underwear? I don't really want to spend the day in these ones," Cas flushed and looked down.

Dean laughed and stood. "Tell you what, I'll get you some clean boxers and a towel. You can grab a shower while I start some pancakes or something. Sound good?"

Cas just smiled and nodded at him.

"Excellent. Then we have a plan, dude."

An hour later, after an excellent breakfast and a lot of conversation, the two of them were back in the living room, arguing light-heartedly about what film they should watch. While Dean argued the merits of Die Hard, True Lies, and Indiana Jones, none of which Cas had seen because he had been living under a rock, apparently, both of them studiously avoided thinking about what they had got up to the last time they had been sitting on this couch together.

"Seriously, man, I can't believe you haven't seen any of this stuff!"

Castiel shrugged. "I wasn't allowed to watch a lot of television at Uri's, and certainly never went to the movies, so I guess it just kind of stuck."

"Well, it's time to fix that. Let's start with Indy."

Dean grinned as he put the Dvd into the player. Cas was _here_. He was sitting on Dean's couch and had agreed to spend the day together. Dean was determined to show Cas that they could be friends; that they already were.

They quickly settled into companionable chatter as they watched Dr Jones and his struggle with the Nazis. Dean managed to not speak along with every bit of dialogue that he liked, and they chuckled together at the film's dated special effects. Castiel found himself enjoying the film immensely, much to Dean's pleasure when he told him so as the credits began to roll.

"Excellent, man," Dean smiled at him and dragged himself off the couch and onto the floor towards the Dvd player. "Next one, then?"

"Sure," Cas smiled back at him. He had nowhere else to be, and was enjoying getting to know Dean properly.

"Cool."

The movie was about three quarters of the way through when Dean's phone rang. He picked up his cell and checked the name flashing across the screen.

"Uh, it's Gabe. Should I answer?"

Cas nodded at him, but eyed him warily as he did so.

"Hey, Gabe."

"Dean. I was looking for my brother's number, if you have it? I, uh, wanted to call him but I realised I don't have it." Gabriel sounded a little awkward, nothing like his usual boisterous self, and Dean felt a little stab of guilt for his anger at him the night before. Until he looked at Cas, and remembered how devastated he had been.

"Hang on a sec," Dean said, then covered the phone with his hand. "He wants your number; what do you want me to do?"

Castiel looked at him for a moment, eyes growing momentarily with anxiety, then he sighed and held out his hand.

"You sure?" Dean asked softly. Castiel nodded, and Dean dropped the cell into his palm. He sat frozen as Cas stood and left the room, feeling helpless.

"Hello, Gabriel," Cas said as he closed the kitchen door and moved to sit at the kitchen table.

"Cas? Oh! I didn't, I wasn't...I didn't expect you to still be there, sorry."

"That's alright, Gabriel. We're watching some movies as we both have the day off today."

"Oh."

The line went quiet for a long enough moment that it was verging on uncomfortable.

"Did you want to say something, Gabriel?"

"Yeah, Cas. Shit. Sorry, I suppose I was planning and being a total jackass and texting you. I just, well, I suppose I wanted to check on you, first of all. Are you... ok?"

"I'm fine."

There was a pause. "Really?"

Castiel sighed. "It depends what you're asking about, Gabriel. Am I ok with telling Charlie and Dean? I suppose so. Am I ok here in Lawrence? More or less. Am I doing ok with you being around? I have no idea yet, Gabriel. Am I doing ok with being beaten for years, threatened, hospitalised, with no one to look after me or help me get through it? Not so much."

"I'm so sorry, Cassie. I never would have left you there if I had known..."

"I know you're sorry, Gabriel. But the last part isn't quite true is it?"

"Cas, I..." Gabriel sputtered.

"I don't mean that you left me there on purpose," Castiel said calmly, cutting him off. "I just mean that I don't think you wanted to think about what would happen to me if you left me there, so you just didn't think about it."

"Shit, Cassie," Gabriel's voice broke slightly on his name. "I...I guess you're right. I was utterly selfish, wasn't I?"

"You were young, Gabriel. And scared."

"And I was also a big brother, Castiel. I was _your_ big brother, and I did nothing to protect you. I failed you. In every way that mattered, I failed. I'm so sorry, Cassie."

Castiel stood and moved to lean against the counter, raising his face heavenwards to ward off the threatening tears.

"It's ok," he said softly.

"No it fucking isn't ok!" Gabriel said, suddenly angry. "It's not ok, but I'll make it up to you, I swear."

"I just...I need some time to get used to you being around, Gabriel. It was a long time ago, but I, well I suppose I've not quite dealt with it all yet. A little bit of time. Ok?"

A weary sigh came through the phone. "Of course it's ok, Cassie. Anything you want, alright? When you're ready, we can deal with Uri too."

Castiel froze. No, no, no! He didn't want to deal with Uri, ever. He didn't even want to think about him, never mind do anything that might be thought of as in any way as _dealing with him_. He choked out his words. "No, Gabriel, no! I can't...I don't... Please."

"Ok, Cas, ok! Sorry, shit. I didn't mean to... I won't mention it, ever, ok?"

Another pause, as Cas tried to control his breathing.

"Look, I'll go just now. But...can we talk, maybe? When you're ready?"

Cas nodded, then realised that of course Gabriel couldn't see him. "I'll get your number from Dean."

"Alright, that's fine, Cas. Completely on your terms, ok? I'll go. But I'll speak to you soon, and you know where I am if you need me."

"Goodbye, Gabriel."

"Bye, Cassie."

Dean was fidgeting. He couldn't help it. Cas had headed for the kitchen and closed the door fifteen minutes ago, and for a while he had heard the soft murmur of the other man's voice, but now there was nothing. At least five minutes of silence, during every second of which Dean had debated with himself whether to go in and check on the other man or not. A brief image of Cas' face the night before flashed through his head, and his decision was made.

He stood and made his way to the kitchen, knocking softly before he opened the door.

Cas was standing with his back to him. His hands were leaning on the counter, the phone lying beside him, his arms straight. Dean could see the muscles in his arms, taught where he leant his weight on them. Dean let his eyes travel over his body, not checking him out, honestly, but noting that his shoulders were steady. He was stressed, but he wasn't crying.

"Cas?" he asked, gently.

The raven head shook minutely. Dean stepped into the kitchen and approached him slowly.

"You alright, man? You need anything?" Again, that shake of the head.

Dean kept approaching him, forcing his hands to stay by their sides, however much they wanted to reach out and touch Cas; run themselves gently down his back in a comforting gesture, rest reassuringly on the soft skin at the nape of this neck.

He stopped directly behind him and just waited silently.

After a couple of moments, a hand snuck back and reached out for him. Astonished, he quickly reached out and latched onto the offered hand, just managing not to link their fingers and instead squeezed the hand gently.

"Thank you, Dean," Cas said softly.

"For what?"

Cas shrugged. "For being here. For being a friend."

Dean felt a lump forming in his throat as Cas' hand squeezed his back. _Cas, I don't want to be your friend. I want to be your... everything._

But he couldn't say that. and not only because it would've been the most girly fucking thing he had ever said. He couldn't tell him how deeply he thought he could fall for him, if given the chance. He couldn't tell him how desperately he wanted to hold him and kiss him, and help him through everything that was hurting him. He couldn't even explain how he was feeling to himself, with having known Castiel for so little time. Instead he just squeezed the fingers again, and this time let himself twist their hands together until their fingers were linked.

Cas' breath hitched when Dean's fingers threaded through his. He allowed himself a moment of weakness and leaned back into Dean briefly. A second later he moved to pull himself away, but Dean's other hand softly landed on his hip.

"Dean," his voice came out breathy. A whisper, and almost a plea. He just didn't know what for.

"I don't understand this, Cas," Dean said softly as he rested his forehead on Cas' shoulder. "I don't know why you drive me so crazy, why I can't get you out of my head, but all I know is that I _can't_. I can't stop thinking about you, and I can't stop thinking that we would be great together."

Castiel found his body relaxing into the other man's, and sighed as he brought their clasped hands round to rest against his abdomen, effectively wrapping Dean's arm around him. "I know, Dean. I don't understand it either, but I feel the same. But I just..."

"You can't, I know. You said." Dean lifted his head until his chin was resting on the shoulder, and tilted his face so that his lips were practically brushing Castiel's neck as he spoke. "I just don't understand why."

Cas squeezed his eyes shut. "I can't explain it to you Dean, I want to, but I can't do it. I ran away from it, and I'm not ready to...bring it here. Please don't ask me to."

"You can trust me, Cas."

Dean just got another soft sigh as a response, but just tightened his grip on Cas.

After a few moments, Castiel spoke. "This isn't fair, Dean. I'm being so unfair to you."

"Cas, I..."

"No, Dean. I should leave. I should stay away from you. It's too hard. I don't think I've... I haven't ever felt like this about someone so quickly before, and I don't..."

"You don't what?"

"I don't think I can do it anymore," he finished on a whisper. He knew he had to pull out of Dean's embrace, but he was finding it impossible to persuade his body to move. A gently kiss to his neck made him almost groan aloud. "Please, Dean."

"Then don't do it anymore, Cas. Let yourself have what you want. let me have what _I_ want. We've already established that I'm fucking adorable," Dean grinned, and was relieved when he heard Castiel chuckle lightly.

Castiel's resolve was beginning to crumble. "I couldn't...it would have to be a secret, Dean. I can't do that to you. I won't."

"What if I don't mind?" Alarm bells were ringing; Dean could only see heartbreak ahead with a secret relationship, but at this point he would take anything. He realised that he'd started nuzzling and kissing Cas' neck and jaw and hardly noticed. He _did_ notice when Cas' tilted his head to allow him better access, and the hand that still rested by his side made an aborted move to reach up and caress Dean's head. "Please, baby. Let us try. Please," he whispered in between kisses, smirking when Castiel moaned softly.

A second later, Cas had turned round completely and they were pressed front to front, Dean's arms leaning on the counter's edge with Cas trapped in between them. Castiel was eyeballing Dean, his pupils blown but his face serious.

"Are you sure, Dean? I mean it; nobody could know."

Dean just grinned at him. "Absolutely."

Castiel raised an eyebrow. "Dean, have you ever been in a secret relationship before?" Dean nodded, screwing his face up slightly. "Did it end well?"

"Uh, no," Dean bit his lip. Cas dropped his head, but Dean moved one hand to grab his chin and lift it. "Hey. I was a kid, ok? And trying to hide my sexuality from, well, everyone, but mostly my dad. It didn't end well, but I was shit scared, and I was 17. And I never felt anything like this about him."

"It's such a bad idea, Dean."

Dean sighed and rested their foreheads together, his hand now cupping Cas' face, and the other moved back to what was quickly becoming its favourite place - Cas' hip. "I know, Cas. I know it's a terrible idea. But I also know that we can't just be friends."

"I know."

"So. What do we do?"

Castiel lifted his face from Dean's and contemplated his handsome, and hopeful, face. He was absolutely right. There was no way they could just be friends; this weird...bond... they shared was far too strong for that. And Castiel had been alone for so long, and he hated it.

But nobody could know.

"This is going to end really badly."

Dean grinned at him. "Not if I have anything to say about it."

And with that confident statement, Dean pulled Cas' face to his and brushed their lips together a few times, before running his tongue along Castiel's lower lip. With a groan, Cas opened his mouth and the kiss deepened. Their arms wrapped tightly around each other and their tongues battled for dominance as they finally lost themselves in a kiss that they were allowing themselves to have.

 _A/N Let me know what you thought, please! Not sure whether or not to include the smut in the nxt chapter or not. What do you think?_

 _B xx_


	7. A Beginning

They were half-naked before they even left the kitchen; t-shirts and jeans littered the floor and counter and Dean was a second away from finally getting his hand into Cas' underwear when the man gasped against his mouth: "bed."

Dean stopped and pulled away for a second to look at the flushed face of the man before him. They were both breathing heavily and Dean imagined he looked much like Cas did right at that moment: lips red, swollen and glistening, chest heaving as he panted, and eyes dark with long-held desire. Dean nearly ground out a "No" and pulled Cas back into his arms, but when he saw the grin spreading across Cas' face he was suddenly stunned by the man's beauty, and realised that he didn't want his first time with Cas to be quick and dirty on the kitchen floor - as appealing as that sounded. So, instead, he stepped back, grabbing the other man's hand, and pulled him with a growl out of the room and through the apartment to his bedroom.

They were barely through the door when Cas attacked him. Dean hadn't even managed to kick the door shut before Castiel grabbed him and all but threw him on the bed. Dean grinned, thinking that this was definitely a side to Cas that he could really get used to. He looked up from his position scrawled across the bed and raised an eyebrow.

"You feeling a bit eager, Cas?"

"Shut up, Dean," was his only reply before the nurse was crawling over him, until their lips were glued back together.

"Please, Cas," Dean found himself whispering, but Cas just growled and kept kissing him. Dean moaned as Cas sucked gently on his tongue and then pulled away.

"Something you wanted, Dean?" Cas asked with the most innocent expression Dean had ever seen on a grown man.

He reached up and gripped Cas' hips where they hovered infuriatingly above his own and pulled him down so that their groins were pressed together in a way that they both found to be infinitely agreeable.

"Jesus, Cas. I want you so much," Dean groaned.

"Please, Dean, please," Cas panted into his mouth as they continued to grind together, tongues battling furiously as they poured all their lust into a kiss.

"What do you want?" Dean managed to gasp, desperately trying to hold back an orgasm that was already threatening to build. His thoughts were heading in one very definite direction, but he would take his guidance from Cas on this.

"Everything, Dean," Cas answered. "Do you have, uh, what we need?"

Castiel had pulled away to ask his question and Dean gazed at him, thinking he had never looked so attractive as he did right in that moment. He groaned and reached over to his bedside cabinet, opening the top drawer and groping around until he found what he was looking for, which would have been much easier if Cas hadn't melded their lips together once again as Dean had tried to move. He brought his hand back and dropped the lube and the condom on the bed before taking Cas' face in his hands and kissing him gently.

"Are you sure?"

Castiel was having an internal war with himself, but currently his heart was winning hands down. He had never wanted anything so much as he wanted Dean right now, and for once he was going to let himself have what he wanted. Damn the consequences. They were for another time.

In answer to Dean's question, he reached out and took the lube from on top of the comforter, and opened the bottle. He sat up so that he was straddling Dean's hips, smirking when he ground his hips down and it made the other man throw his head back and moan.

"I think we might be a little overdressed for this," he observed quietly, giving his hips another roll for good measure. Dean's response was a frantic scrabbling to remove both his own and Cas' underwear, before pulling Cas back on top of him so that he was sitting back over his hips.

Cas found himself laughing at Dean's frantic movements, echoed by the firefighter himself, which gave him pause for a second. He couldn't remember enjoying himself in this way, or quite so much, during sex before. He smiled gently at Dean, who promptly wiggled beneath him.

"Come on, Cas," Dean whined and wiggled his eyebrows. "You've got the lube, are you going to do something with it or...oh!"

Dean's words caught in his throat as Cas' hand finally wrapped around the part of him that had been begging to be touched and squeezed gently.

"Hush, Dean," Castiel leaned forward and trailed kisses all over his face before capturing his lips once more. "All in good time, babe."

Good time is exactly what it took, and what it was, as the two men stayed in bed, naked and touching in every way they could think of for the rest of the day. And when they finally left the bed, it was for a shower – that they ended up finishing back in bed, when Dean decided it was his turn to ride. By the end of the day they were both exhausted, and sated, and wrapped up together as they spooned, each man thinking about how this could turn out to be everything they had been looking for, but each too scared to voice those thoughts aloud.

Cas was actually enjoying himself. For six weeks he and Dean and been meeting secretly, hooking up whenever they could, and torturing themselves on nights in or out with their friends by staring at each other and thinking about the things they could be doing if nobody else was around, and he was loving it. The ominous feelings that crept in when he was alone were easily dampened by a quick phone call or some sexting, and Cas was doing everything he could to keep those thoughts away. So far so good.

Right now, Castiel was sitting at Dean's kitchen table, grinning at the other man's excitement as he planned what was apparently an annual 4th of July barbecue. The enthusiasm was rolling of off him in waves and Cas couldn't help but be caught up in his excitement.

"Have I missed anything, Cas?" Dean was squinting at the list in front of him, which Castiel was vaguely sure involved food, but he looked up when his question didn't get a reply. He furrowed his brow in confusion at the dopey grin on the other man's face. "What?"

"Just you."

"What about me?"

God, Dean was adorable when he pouted.

"Do you always get this excited about July 4th? There's still a month to go."

Dean stared at him in mock horror. "There's pie, Cas. I'm organising burgers and pie! What's not to get excited about?"

Castiel laughed. "I don't think I've seen you quite this excited about anything before."

Dean wiggled his eyebrows at him. "Now that's not quite true, is it?" He leaned forward and kissed Castiel, and as always what started out as a chaste meeting of lips soon heated and escalated and Cas found himself with a lap full of a very eager Dean.

"We don't have time, Dean. We're both working this afternoon."

"Please. baby?" Dean continued to kiss Cas, while trying to pout at the same time. Castiel was laughing as he pushed him off.

"Later, Dean," he stood up and gave Dean's pout a quick peck then moved to refill his coffee cup. Arms quickly snaked around behind him.

"You coming over after shift in the morning?" Dean murmured in his ear.

"I finish first tomorrow, remember. I'll leave the door open for you."

They stayed there for several moments; Cas drinking his coffee with Dean wrapped around him, chin on his shoulder and their heads nestled together. Castiel's thoughts started to waver into ominous territory, so he broke the silence.

"Are you going to feed me some lunch before I go and get ready for work? I did work up quite an appetite this morning."

"And I am more than grateful for it, baby." Dean pressed a quick kiss to the side of this head then broke away to head for the fridge. That was better. Moments of perfect affection and quiet contemplation were Castiel's emotional downfall, and he needed to avoid them where he could.

The month in the run up to Dean's barbecue continued much as the previous one had done. Dean and Cas continued their relationship, and continued to ignore any sadness they felt at keeping it hidden. Charlie had commented on one occasion to Castiel that Dean had seemed rather chipper lately, and hadn't been flirting so much with the nurses, which had led to a slight argument as Cas had insisted that Dean restart this behaviour to waylay anymore suspicion.

Reluctantly, he had agreed, and Cas hated every minute of it.

The night at The Roadhouse when Lisa turned up was their worst argument. They had come to an uneasy truce with the flirting, which basically involved a whole lot of grumpiness from Cas every time it happened in front of him, followed by a whole lot of rough, apology-sex when they were finally alone. The Roadhouse incident, however, ended up being a bit different.

Dean and Castiel had been volunteered by their group to head to the bar for the next round of drinks, and this was the moment that Lisa appeared.

"Hi, Dean," a chipper voice announced behind them.

Dean groaned quietly, while Cas glanced over his shoulder at the intrusion, and turned to face his ex-girlfriend.

"Lisa," he said, nodding at her.

"How are you, Dean?"

"Fine, thanks." He wasn't going to ask her anything, as he didn't want to start a conversation. She was clearly drunk. and was looking at him with what she thought was her seductive face, and Cas had already tensed at the tone of her voice as she simpered at him.

"So, uh, you having your barbecue in a couple of weeks?"

"Sure. On the 4th this year. Got the day off."

"Wow, that's great. Last year kinda sucked, with you working and all. But we made up for it, didn't we?"

She actually winked at him. Ugh. He could hear Cas behind him, ordering their drinks.

"Did you want something, Lisa?" he sighed.

"Oh. Well, I just haven't seen you in a while, you know? I thought maybe we could have a drink, catch up, maybe see where the evening takes us?"

"Lisa..." he started, but was interrupted by Castiel spinning around beside him and reaching out his hand to her.

"Hi, I'm Castiel. I don't think we've met."

"Sorry, Lisa this is Cas, Cas this is Lisa, she's...uh", he trailed off. Had he even told Cas about Lisa?

"We went out, for a long time, didn't we Dean?" she took a small step closer to him, which made Dean lean back a little into the bar behind him.

"So, ex-girlfriend then?" Cas said smartly, a barely noticeable emphasis on the 'ex'.

"Well, for now!" she winked at Dean again and he cringed. What the hell was this chick's problem.

"For always, Lisa. We've been through this."

She actually laughed. Dean could practically feel the frown that was sure to be taking over Cas' face. "Oh, Dean. You always tell yourself that, and yet we always hook up again. It won't ever be over, Dean. Not really."

Was she insane? Dean was starting to believe so. Christ, what was he supposed to do now? He almost winced at how pissed Cas was going to try and hide he was after this. "I'm seeing someone," he blurted in a panic. Castiel stiffened completely beside him.

Lisa blinked. "No, you're not."

 _Shit, shit shit._ The easiest thing to do would be to tell her it was Cas and sling his arm around the guy, but that was definitely not going to be allowed. Not if he wanted to ever have sex with Cas again, and hell, he wanted to.

"Is it serious?" Lisa was asking, her denial evidently forgotten.

"Um, pretty serious, yeah."

"Anyone I know?" Lisa asked.

Say no, Dean. Say No! His brain was screaming at him; but when had Dean Winchester ever listened to his reasonable side?

"Meg," he blurted. Oh. Shit.

The answer seemed to deflate Lisa a little, and less than a minute later she had left them in peace. Cas was standing beside Dean, holding a tray of drinks (when had they arrived?), but saying nothing.

"Phew," was all Dean could think to say.

"If you say so, Dean," Cas replied stiffly, before moving away with the drinks towards where their friends were waiting on them. Including Meg. Dean winced. Something told him the rest of this night wasn't going to be fun.

Castiel was trying very hard to be reasonable. Dean was clearly awkward around the disturbing clinginess of his ex, and telling her he was in a relationship seemed to have done the trick, certainly. He only wished that Dean had thought through the consequences of claiming to be in a relationship with Meg, of all people, who was a bigger flirt than he was, and had immediately found the whole thing hilarious, and made Castiel switch seats with her so that she could latch onto his arm and play the part of the doting girlfriend.

Cas had no reason to refuse her, and now he was utterly miserable. The only saving grace was that he hadn't named Anna. He didn't think he'd have been able to cope with that.

They were a few drinks into their evening, and Dean, of course, was being the flirt he was expected to be. Except this time, he was being flirted with in return, by an increasingly drunk Meg who had commented to Castiel on a number of occasions about just how attractive she found the firefighter. Cas was trying not to scowl every time she squeezed his arm.

Charlie was a Godsend. She was chatting with him about Harry Potter, and was so caught up in it that he was managing to focus on her quite well. Until he heard the following statement.

"Dean, your ex has gone past the table about ten times in the last hour. Either her bladder is fucked, or she's checking up your story, man."

 _God damn you, Benny!_ Cas wanted to yell. His eyes immediately shot to where Dean and Meg were sitting, and the sly look on Meg's face made his stomach sink to his boots.

"Let's just get out of here guys," Dean started to move as if to stand, and the others started following suit. Dean caught Cas' eye and gave him a reassuring smile while everyone was shuffling their way out from the table. Cas smiled back in relief. He wasn't going to have to watch Meg do something stupid.

Then, of course, Lisa strolled into Cas' eye line, and Meg and Dean caught sight of her too.

"Come on, babe, let's go back to my place," she said loudly, then before Castiel had time to brace himself, she had grabbed Dean's face and planted an extremely passionate kiss on him.

Which he started to reciprocate after just a couple of seconds.

"Ew!" Charlie said. "Save it, guys!" She looked at Cas as if he was expected to join in her complaint, but his heart was breaking just a little, and he couldn't say a thing.

A few moments later, the nightmare kiss ended, but Cas had already turned and walked towards the door, trying to piece his sanity back together as he went. He reached the doors and just kept walking. His apartment was just a few streets away, and he just needed to leave. He heard Charlie and a few others voices shouting a goodbye to him, and he just raised a hand above his head in acknowledgement. He could be an awkward guy; nobody would think anything weird about it.

"Cas! Cas, wait up!"

He heard Dean's footsteps pounding up the street behind him. He closed his eyes. He didn't want to do this. He didn't want to argue with Dean about it; he knew their situation was his fault. Although Dean had created the Meg situation entirely on his own.

"Come on, man," Dean called, almost caught up now. "I'm sorry, Cas. She just grabbed me…"

Cas sighed when Dean grabbed his arm and made him stop walking. "Cas, look at me. You're not mad at me, are you? It would've looked worse if I hadn't, I'm sorry."

Castiel didn't know what to say, so he didn't say anything.

"Cas, come on," Dean said, threads of anger creeping into his voice. "What the fuck did you expect me to do?"

"You didn't have to tell her you were in a relationship at all, Dean. Let alone allow things to go so far with Meg."

"I had to get rid of her Cas, you don't know what she's like."

"And Meg?"

Dean threw up his hands in frustration. "Just the first name I thought of! No, actually, fuck that. The second name I thought of. Yours was the first Cas, and then I could have just owned up to the relationship I'm _actually_ supposed to be in, but I'm not allowed to do that, am I?"

"Dean, I explained…"

"No, Cas. You didn't explain anything. You never have. You don't trust me enough to tell me what's going on, yet I'm supposed to live with it?"

Now Cas was getting angry himself. "I told you, Dean, that this was a bad idea. You were the one that pushed me to do this, don't you remember? I told you this wouldn't end well. That you would be miserable."

"Is that what this is, Cas? The end?" Dean asked quietly, his eyes sad but his face still showing his angry frustration.

"I, I don't know, Dean. I don't know how long we can keep doing this."

"Then let's not! Let's just tell people the truth; that we're together, that we l…like each other a whole lot. Nothing bad is going to happen!"

Castiel stared at Dean in utter dismay. The man deserved honestly from him, but he couldn't give him it. He was riddled with fear about it, and he didn't see how to change it.

"I can't, Dean. I'm sorry," he whispered eventually.

"Can't what? Be honest with me?" Dean scoffed.

"Can't do this to you, not anymore," Cas' voice cracked and his eyes filled with tears as he watched Dean come to understand what he was saying. "You deserve more than this, and I can't do it. You won't survive this way, and neither will I. I can't watch you flirt, and I can't watch you do things like tonight with Meg. It wasn't your fault Dean, but it hurts, a lot, and I know I'm hurting you more. I'm sorry."

He waited for a few moments for Dean to speak, and felt his heart wrench when he finally did. "You're hurting me now, Cas. Don't do this."

"I have to, Dean. You have to be free to be in a proper relationship. You need to be able to flirt with people with some possibility of an outcome."

Dean raised his hands to cup Cas' face. "Fuck the flirting, Cas," he growled. "I fucking hate it. I only did it because you insisted I act like my old self. How can you think I want to flirt with anyone, when all I can think about is you?"

"I'm sorry," Cas whispered, the tears falling freely when Dean started pressing kisses to his face. After a few moments he pulled himself together enough to pull himself out of Dean's arms. "I'm sorry," he said again, then turned and walked away before he could see what his words did to Dean.

He was grateful when Dean didn't follow him, or call after him. He had hurt him, he knew that, but now he had to cling on to the knowledge that he could hurt Dean a lot more if he let things carry on much longer. Before Dean had the chance to feel the way he already did.

Tears still decorating his cheeks, Castiel squared his shoulders and quickened his pace, walking towards home, and away from the man he had fallen completely in love with.

 _A/N Sorry! ;)_

 _A little bit of a longer chapter, seen as I made you wait. I also came to a balance with the smut – suggestions of, without being too graphic. We shall see if that changes…_

 _Let me know what you thought! (Please.) B xx_


	8. The End?

It wasn't pleasant, waking up. It didn't take a few minutes for the truth to sink in; instead it hit Dean like a ton of bricks as soon as his eyes popped open. And he was _angry_.

He didn't move from his position, with his face squashed against the cushions of his couch, but he did drop one hand to the floor and scrabble for his phone, lifting it to glance briefly at it and throw it with a growl out of his reach.

Still nothing.

He'd called Cas, over and over, leaving message after message, and still nothing.

At first he had stood there dumbly, watching Cas walk away from him, and when he had come to his senses the other man was already out of sight. He had run to catch up with him, but he wasn't to be seen anywhere. That was the first time he had called.

"Cas, Cas answer your phone, please! I need to speak to you, man. I just...answer your phone."

It and the next dozen or so messages had gone ignored. By the time Dean had reached his apartment his emotions were swirling dangerously, and the last few messages probably betrayed the fact that he didn't know what to feel, but a mix of devastation and anger were warring within him. He couldn't be sure; he couldn't remember what he had said in those last messages.

Eventually he had collapsed onto his couch, dropping his useless fucking phone beside him, and let his emotions and his confusion battle it out until he fell asleep.

Moving from his place on the couch now didn't seem in any way attractive, and with his tired brain ticking over everything so vividly, Dean resigned himself to the onslaught of emotions and let himself think.

He still couldn't explain this weird connection he'd felt with Cas, so quickly. Even months of fooling around and exploring this hidden relationship couldn't help him understand it. It was just _there_. It had been from the second Dean had looked into those beautiful blue eyes, and had cemented in his mind the first time he had seen the barest hint of hurt in them. The night of Cas' revelation about his past, about his bastard stepfather and the horrific childhood he had endured, was one that Dean would never forget. He couldn't possibly lose the memory of the horror and pain he had experienced himself as Castiel had relived his own, and he would never want to lose any of the moments he had held Cas in the aftermath.

Christ, he was sounding like a damned teenage girl.

Fuck it.

He let his mind rake over their few months together, trying to work out what he could have done differently the night before, what he could have said to avoid this. To stop Castiel from thinking that ripping Dean's heart out was the only way forward.

Castiel called in sick. For three days nobody heard from him other than the HR department at the hospital, and by the time Charlie battered his front door until he dragged himself to answer it he was an absolute mess.

"Castiel, you open this goddamn door right now, or so help me I will hex you!" Charlie was in the middle of yelling when the door was thrown open and a dishevelled, unshaven, scowling nurse stood staring at her.

"Jesus, Cas. What the hell happened to you?"

Before the sentence was even finished, she had brushed past him and into the apartment. She stood surveying the darkened living room with a wrinkled nose. Castiel stopped in the doorway and leaned against the jamb, his arms wrapped around himself as he glared at his bare feet.

"What do you want, Charlie?" his voice croaked with disuse.

"Oh, Cas," he heard softly, and then two arms were wrapped around him. He stiffened, refusing to give in. "What happened?"

"Nothing," he whispered, his folded arms acting as a barrier between them. "I'm sick."

"Don't bullshit me, Castiel," Charlie lifted her head from his shoulder and glared at him, arm still around his middle. "Is this about Dean?"

Castiel froze, panic assaulting him. Had Dean _told_ her? "Why would Dean have anything to do with me being sick?"

Charlie released her hold on him, and smacked him on the arm. "You're not sick, Castiel. I know you're not. When you had flu a few weeks after you arrived you wouldn't go home until you nearly collapsed! So stop with the bull, and tell me what's wrong."

"What did Dean…?"

"Dean never told me a thing, but it's not hard to put it together, Cas. You liked him, he was crazy about you, you've both been happy lately, then three days ago you phone in sick and Dean keeps avoiding the main desk every time he's in visiting. So tell me, what the fuck is going on?"

"He's not crazy about me, Charlie. It's not like that."

Charlie snorted. "Cas, that man has been Lady Gaga about you since he met you."

Castiel looked at her, eyes wide and stricken. "No, Charlie. It was just a bit of fun, that's all he wanted. I know it."

Charlie took hold of his shoulders and looked at him, her face full of concern. "Cas, what happened?" She felt her eyes well as she watched his face crumple. "Oh, Cas."

Castiel let himself be pulled into a tight hug, and let the tears flow. He didn't think he could have any left after the last days since he had left Dean at the side of the road, but apparently there were still enough to sob a wet patch into Charlie's t-shirt as she manoeuvred them to the couch and sat down, pulling him into her arms as she sat back. It was several minutes before he could speak.

"Just a few months, Charlie," he mumbled as he pulled away and sat up, his tears finally stopped. "That's all it was, a few months of fooling around, keeping it secret. It's done. That's all it was."

"Somehow I don't think what you were doing was fooling around."

"It has to be, Charlie. It doesn't matter what I feel, felt, for Dean. It was fooling around for him. Nothing more. And that's as it should be. That's why I had to finish it."

Charlie watched sadly as her friend tried to convince himself that there were no feelings involved in this fling, at least on Dean's side. She knew, of course, that Dean's heart was breaking, and it looked like Castiel's was too.

"Cas, I don't get it. Why did you end it? And why was it a secret in the first place?"

Castiel was on his feet again, pacing back and forth. "I was holding him back, Charlie. While he was with me, he couldn't have anyone else. He deserves better. He deserves to find love."

"And what if he had?"

"Please, don't say that! He doesn't love me, Charlie. He can't."

Charlie stayed silent for a few moments, before speaking quietly. "And you?"

"I can't have love, Charlie. Not ever."

"But why not, Cas?" Charlie stood, throwing her arms up in frustration. "Why don't you deserve to be happy?"

"It's not about deserving it, Charlie! It's about trusting it!"

The both stood in shocked silence at Castiel's outburst.

"What the hell happened to you, Cas?"

He sighed. "Michael. Michael happened." And then he sat back down, put his head in his hands, and talked about it for the very first time.

"Dean?"

"Hey, Sammy."

"What's wrong?"

"What? I can't just call you up to talk anymore?"

Sam sighed down the phone. "I can hear it in your voice, Dean. What's wrong?"

"Nothing, Sammy. I'm fine."

"Dean…talk to me, come on."

Dean played with his keys for a moment, then sank back into his couch with a sigh. "Sammy, I…"

After a moment or two of silence it became clear that Dean had no idea how to begin. Luckily, Sam seemed to. "Is this about Cas?" he asked quietly.

"What…what do you mean?"

"Dean, you've been talking about the guy non-stop for months. It's pretty obvious you have feelings for the guy."

"I…but…"

"What happened, Dean? Did he meet someone?"

To his horror, Dean felt a lump well up in his throat and tears began to blur his eyes. Shit. He was on shift tonight; he really had to pull his shit together.

"Dean?"

"Sam…Sammy…" he couldn't stop the slight crack in his voice.

"Shit, Dean. Are you ok? Do you need me to fly out there? I've got some vacation time, man, I can be there tomorrow."

"Sam!" Dean interrupted him, a watery smile on his face at the concern his little brother was sending down the phone in waves. "Sam, it's ok. Just…let me tell you about it, alright?"

"I'm all ears," Sam sounded nervous. Dean could only imagine what was going through his head.

"You don't have to come here or anything, I just needed to talk to you."

"Wow, Dean. You haven't needed to talk to me about personal shit since…I don't know when."

"Sam…"

"So, it's about Cas?"

Dean sighed. It was now or never. "Yeah, Sam. It's about Cas. I…we…a few months Sammy, that's all, and I couldn't tell anybody, and, shit, he's been through so much, and I couldn't push him, but then he wanted me to act normally, and then Lisa…and then I had to get rid of her Sam, I had to. I couldn't tell her what I wanted, so I lied, and then he got hurt, and then he told me, told me to…to…"

"Dean, you have to slow down, man. I have no idea what you're telling me."

"I…I just…," Dean sighed as the lump came back and the tears welled up once more. "I love him, Sam. And he doesn't love me back."

A moment of silence, and then Sam's whispered voice appeared as the first tear rolled down Dean's cheek.

"Dean. I'm so, so, sorry."

Dean didn't know what to do, so he hung up the phone. And cried, for what he swore was the last time.

Charlie had been watching out for Dean's arrival at the hospital for her whole shift, but apparently yet again he had snuck in another entrance to see his dad, because she didn't see him before his 24 hour shift started, or during the night when the rest of his team came in with a firefighter with a broken leg. This was why she found herself heading the firestation after her nightshift, instead of home to put on her Gryffindor PJs and get some much-needed sleep.

"Hello? Anyone about?" she called as she stepped into the open garage beside the trucks. She knew that Dean would either be at breakfast, or messing around with the trucks if he was trying to avoid everyone. She heard a tool hit the floor. Bingo!

"Charlie? What the hell are you doing here?"

When Dean appeared round the side of a truck, wiping his hands on an oily rag, she started walking towards him, wagging her finger sternly.

"You're avoiding me, Winchester."

For a second she thought he would deny it, but he just shrugged and looked down at the rag in his hands. He looked exhausted, she thought.

"Are you not sleeping, Dean?" she asked quietly. He shrugged again, so she brought out the big guns. "I spoke to Sam."

"What the fuck, Charlie?"

"He called _me_ , Winchester. After _you_ hung up on him!"

"Fuck. I should call him back."

"Yeah, you should," she shrugged back at him.

"So did he…tell you anything?"

"You mean like the fact that you love Cas, but you think it's one-sided and Sam now wants to come and kick Cas' ass because you sounded to broken on the phone? No. He didn't tell me anything."

"It's not funny, Charlie."

She stepped forward and pulled Dean into a hug. "I know it's not, I'm sorry. He wouldn't have told me anything, you know that. He just got really confused by what you told him, and assumed I would be able to help."

Dean allowed his arms to wrap around her and give her a squeeze. "I'm sorry I avoided you."

"It's ok. I get it."

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you what was going on."

"I get that too."

Dean pulled back and raised an eyebrow at her. "How do you get it? I haven't told you anything yet."

Charlie dropped her arms from around him and folded them in front of her, looking at him defiantly. "You're not my only friend involved in this mess, Dean."

He stepped back from her, his eyes wide.

"I spoke to Cas yesterday, too."

He gaped at her, not sure what to say. There were so many questions, thoughts, feelings, all running through his head. Eventually, his mouth took over. "How is he?"

Charlie looked at him, sadly. "About as messed up from this as you are. Maybe more."

Dean sighed and sat down on the ground, leaning against the truck as he threw his rag away. "I don't understand it, Charlie."

She sat down next to him. "I spoke to him for a long time, Dean, and there are things I can't tell you, but there are also things I think you should know."

Dean looked at her, eyes wide as he waited for her to speak.

"He doesn't know that you love him, Dean. He doesn't even know that he loves you, and I'm sure he does. I'm sure of it. He's had some pretty fucked up shit happen to him before, and you only know half of it, trust me. I can't tell you the rest, but he needs to know that he can trust you. He's been betrayed on a level I can't even understand, it's so fucked up Dean. But he ended things with you because he thinks he's holding you back from finding someone to fall in love with. Ironic, when you're already in love with him."

Charlie leaned her head on dean's shoulder and sighed.

"Is he ok?"

"I already told you he isn't."

"I mean the shit in his past that you can't tell me. Is it really fucking him up?"

"It's the reason he won't be in a public relationship, and the reason he hasn't told anyone he's gay. It's pretty bad, Dean. But the worst part is what it's topping him from doing, from having. He's letting the past eat away at his future, and it's awful to watch."

"We were happy. I thought we were, at least."

Dean felt Charlie's small hand reach over and cover his own.

"What do I do, Charlie?"

"I don't know, Dean. I really don't. But I know you're meant to be together, I just know it. You're so good for each other, or you could be if you could work past his issues."

"He needs to trust me, right?"

"He does. It won't be easy, but he needs you to be honest with him. He's sad, Dean. He's sad to think that he's lost you. You might be able to work on him, I don't know."

"Thanks, Charlie." Some hope was better than no hope, right?

It was another few of hours before Dean had an idea of where to start, and he began to compose a text. He had just finished it when the alarms went off, and he hit send before he could change his mind. He ran to meet the rest of his team at the trucks, deciding as he went that he wouldn't check his phone until he was back in the station, and whether or not Cas had replied then would be his answer.

 _Cas, I spoke to Charlie today. Don't worry – she didn't tell me anything, I just know you guys talked. She told me I had to be honest with you, so that is what I'm doing. The thing is, this thing between us? I've never felt anything like it. I know that you want to keep us a secret, and I will do that. I will do whatever you want to be with you, Cas. Whatever is takes. I don't understand why, and I hope that one day you will explain it to me, but I'll do it. I love you, Cas. You've made me realise that I've never really loved anyone before, and that terrifies me, but not as much as the idea of losing you terrifies me. The last few days have felt like 40 years in hell, and I don't want to do that anymore. In the interest of honesty, I told my brother about us. He'll keep our secret, but I had to speak to him. I haven't needed him like that before, ever. You did that, or at least the way I love you did that. I just want you, or need you, to give us a chance. Please, Cas. We'll go back to the beginning and take it slow, or we'll carry on and we'll not tell anyone ever. Whatever you want. I love you, please believe that. You are everything I want, and I'll do whatever it takes. Just please text back and tell me there's a chance, however small. I love you. Dxx_

It was Cas' first day back at work after his three day pity party, and because he'd missed so much he threw himself into his work, keeping as busy as possible, so it was six o'clock that evening before he checked his phone, and found Dean's message. Instantly, his mind was back to the turmoil of the last few days. What did he do?

Talking to Charlie had felt good, he couldn't deny it, but it was more than he ever thought he could do, and he didn't think he could do it again. And Dean deserved to know, didn't he? Certainly, if they were still together he deserved to know what he couldn't ever give him the relationship he wanted. As much as he would love to. The conversation had made him come to terms with his own feelings, and he knew that he loved Dean. The phone that he was clutching tightly in his hand made him start to believe that Dean felt the same way, but could he ever trust it? His whole heart was telling him yes, but that niggling part of his brain was still shouting at him to walk away. He just needed to decide what to listen to.

He never had time to contemplate it, as less than a minute later Meg stuck her head into the room and told them they had an emergency coming in, and then his life fell apart when Charlie called out the details as everyone gathered in the foyer. She caught his eyes and gave him a sad shake of her head. She couldn't tell him what he wanted to hear – she knew nothing either.

 _Please, please, please._

"We're up," someone shouted and everyone surged forward as the doors were pushed open. Blue lights screamed into the bay and everyone separated, approaching the two vehicles in hurried organisation. A third set of blue lights followed them in but was ignored.

Cas led his group forward, instinctively heading for the truck on the left. The doors at the back of it opened at the same time, and two bodies burst out, a trolley quickly wheeled out between them and then they were hurtling back towards the building.

"Five-year-old female, left leg is broken, burns to the face and right arm. Pain meds administered at scene," Benny rattled off the details as they rushed in. Cas grabbed part of the trolley, helping them steer the child into the ER, and waiting for Luke to start administering instructions. He refused to be distracted by the contents of the other ambulance. He sent up one last plea, then got to work.

 _Please, don't let it be him._

 _A/N And we're back! Sorry for the huge and unplanned hiatus – I won't bore you with the details of my busy busy life, but I feel bad for abandoning anyone who is still reading, and I will endeavour to keep writing – I promise!_

 _Let me know what you think. (Sorry, again!)_

B xx


	9. Aftermath

Dean was feeling pretty good about the way their crews had responded to what turned out to be a fire in an apartment building. They had arrived quickly, the crew had been organised and moved fluidly outside the building as the hoses did their work, while he led his team through the building to clear the space. There was a brief incident of panic when a floor they were standing on creaked ominously, but the building was deemed clear and the crews made their way outside before anything gave way, or anyone fell and injured themselves.

It was as they approached the truck that a woman came running, screaming at them. "My baby! My baby's in there! Krissy! Krissy!"

Dean lunged forward as the woman through herself towards the building, dropping a grocery bag as she ran. He grabbed her arm and hauled her back, throwing her at Benny. "Apartment number?" he yelled as he ran, several other feet pounding the sidewalk beside his.

"Seven!" was the sobbed answer, but Dean didn't have the energy to sympathise. If this woman's daughter was in there alone because she had taken herself to the grocery store down the street without her, then Dean's sympathy was nowhere to be found. He thrust his helmet back on as they approached the building, and threw himself inside, heading straight for the stairs in front of him. He heard yelling behind him, but two other bodies threw themselves up behind him and they ran straight for apartment 7. The door was already open from their check before, and Dean thought quickly about where a child could be hiding in the apartment that they would have missed her before. His colleagues ran straight to the closets and bathroom, while Dean headed for the single bedroom and threw himself on the floor.

The apartment was hazy with smoke now, though thankfully not full, but a flash of bright green cloth under the bed told Dean he had found her. He reached under and grabbed the closest bit of her he could, and hauled her out.

"Got her!" he yelled and he lifted her unconscious form, cradling her as the others ran to him. "We have to get out, now." The building was creaking worse than ever, and Dean thanked the heavens they were only on the second floor. Not far to run. He ran for the door to the apartment, his colleagues following on his heels. They pelted down the corridor, Dean holding on carefully to his precious cargo, towards the voices of the rest of their crew, that apparently were waiting for them at the bottom of the stairs, yelling for them to run.

Dean had just started his descent when it happened. His eyes widened briefly when a loud bang shook the building, and the floor beneath him heaved. He caught Tommy's horrified eyes at the bottom of the stairs, before closing his own as the floor disappeared below him. He briefly hoped the basement wasn't too far away, and cradled Krissy close to him as he waited for the impact.

Krissy was going to be fine. Her leg had been set and her burns treated, and she was on oxygen to make sure her lungs would be ok. She was still unconscious, but was going to make a full recovery. The break had been a bad one, and she had taken in a lot of smoke, but that just meant there was a lot to do, and a lot going on, and Cas had been able to distract himself fully with her treatment. The girl's mother had caused a bit of a scene, screaming to be allowed in the room, and getting in the way when she was given permission. Castiel was full of sympathy for her plight, but could understand everyone's frustration as they tried to calm her and work round her. The police appearing and taking her outside had caused another scene, but Cas was focused on his patient, and had no idea what had happened there. They had been left in peace, finally, to tend to Krissy. That's all he cared about.

Unfortunately, they were just finishing when Luke came back in the room, having been pulled to work on the injured firefighter. Meg looked up from her dressing of Krissy's burns and asked how his patient was. Castiel's world stopped for a moment when the only reply was a long sigh.

 _You don't know it's him, you don't know anything. You don't know it's him._

Cas couldn't even bear to look at Luke; he didn't want to see the shake of his head, or the look on his face. The sigh was enough, and Meg's quiet gasp.

His hands were shaking as he checked Krissy's IVs.

 _You don't know it's him, you don't know anything. You don't know it's him_.

"Cas?"

For a moment, he thought Luke had spoken to him, and he looked up at the doctor, with some trepidation but ready to see what needed done. But look wasn't looking at Cas, he was looking over at the doorway.

"Cas?"

Slowly, the nurse dropped the IV line, and pivoted towards the door into the room. The sight that met him there made his eyes widen as a sob caught in his throat. A hand flew to his mouth as he took in the sight of Dean, standing in the doorway covered in soot, a white bandage standing out on his arm where he had clearly been treated for a burn, and crutches in his hands to go with the cast on his left leg that ran up to his thigh.

"Dean," he whispered.

Dean gave him a crooked smile back. "Heya, Cas."

The firefighter opened his mouth to say something else, but suddenly Cas didn't want to hear it. He could feel Meg's eyes on him, Luke's too, as he dropped his hand from his mouth and threw himself across the room. He saw the shock on Dean's face in the two seconds it took him to get there, but the shock didn't stop instinct making him brace himself for impact, steadying himself against the door frame a split second before Cas threw his arms around him and sobbed into his neck.

"I'm ok, it's alright," Dean was murmuring, a hand stroking Cas' back as he tried to control his breathing. The adrenaline that ran through him as he understood that Dean was alive and finally let him feel his fear, made his entire body tremble and he could feel himself shaking violently in Dean's safe embrace. "I'm alright, Cas."

Abruptly, Cas pulled his face out from its hiding place against Dean's dirty t-shirt collar, and grasped Dean's face with both hands. Again, Dean looked as if he was going to say something to Cas, and Cas didn't want to hear it. Instead, he pulled Dean firmly in and pressed their lips tightly together, Dean immediately responding. He ignored the chuckling and "about time" that came from behind him, and just kissed Dean, and kissed him, and kissed him. Eventually he pulled away when they both needed to breathe, and he gazed in awe at the adoring, and shocked, look on Dean's face. He was horrified to find tears on the taller man's cheeks, and used his thumbs to brush them away before kissing him softly and resting their foreheads together. He closed his eyes and whispered the only thing that needed to be said.

"I love you, too, Dean."

The whole time he was in the hospital, all Dean could think about was getting to Cas. When they'd pulled him out of the house he'd known he broken something in his leg, but that was the worst of his injuries. Krissy hadn't woken up, thank God, but neither had the others. There were only two ambulances at the scene, and Dean waved them off, willing to wait for the next one when others clearly had greater need.

He tried to ignore the pain shooting through his leg, and the throbbing burn on his arm, as he lay on a stretcher. His ambulance was on its way, but he was looking forward to some pain killers. Benny would've given him some while he waited, but he'd made him go with the kid.

Tommy was with him, chatting constantly to try and take Dean's mind off of things. Dean let it wash over him, listening for the most part, and grateful for the effort his friend was making, but he couldn't stop himself. His mind kept wandering to Cas, and whether or not he'd got the text. Whether or not he had replied, or was even going to. He wondered whether the nurse was on duty, and whether he would worry about Dean when he saw that it was his shift colleagues who were coming in. He had to keep pulling himself away from his thoughts, to focus back on the distraction Tommy was providing.

It was only ten minutes before the ambulance arrived, and quickly he was diagnosed with a minor burn and a fracture to his leg, that would need to be put in a cast for a few weeks to make sure it healed properly. Dean breathed a sigh of relief, knowing that his injuries would heal reasonably quickly, and hadn't affected his career prospects. He was surprised to realise that he hadn't really thought about it until he was told he would be fine. Normally, that shit would be running through his head negatively the whole time. This time, he was thinking about whether he should ask if Cas was working, or whether Cas wouldn't appreciate it. Nobody had told him about his colleagues that had been brought in, and he didn't ask. He'd know what had happened when everyone else did.

Cast set and crutches finally handed over, Dean hobbled out to the waiting room, and as expected his entire shift were sitting there, in various states of smoky dirtiness, and he was relieved to see Jake sitting with the others. Everyone looked up at him, a few giving him a quick smile or a relieved thumbs up. He traded solemn nods with Jake, and hoped the new recruit would be ok after his first real trauma. There was still someone missing though, which explained the solemn faces and the lack of chatter. Someone made as if to stand, clearly looking to give Dean a seat in the packed room, but he shook his head and hobbled away, heading for the front desk in the hopes of a cheerful face.

"Dean!"

Charlie was there. God bless Charlie. She ran across the room from where she had just entered, pulling him in for a quick hug.

"Are you ok?"

"I've been better," he smiled. "But I'll be fine."

"Your throat sounds awful," she frowned. "Come into the break room, I'll get you some more water."

The look on her face was not to be argued with, so he followed her obediently, taking the seat she pointed to when they entered.

"What the hell happened?" the redhead asked as she began rooting through cupboards, looking for a clean glass. "Are you sure you're ok?"

Dean gave her a smile, grateful for her concern, which was clearly the real reason she'd pulled him in here. He gave her the quick version, skimming over the scarier details.

"Jake's ok," she told him. "He has a concussion and a couple of small burns, but he's fine. He didn't get the worst of it."

"Have you heard?"

"Nothing. I can find out for you, if you like?"

"Please." He needed to know. They all needed to know. Waiting for the prognosis for one of their team was nothing short of torture. Charlie nodded and made to leave the room, but Dean stopped her.

"Hang on, the little girl? Krissy? Was she ok?"

"I don't know, I can find that out too if you like. Cas and Meg were in with-" her eyes widened in horror. "Shit! Cas!"

Dean's heart plummeted. "What, what is it?"

"He doesn't know that you're ok, Dean. He doesn't know that it wasn't you in the first bus – he probably thinks-"

Dean heaved himself to his feet. "Where is he?"

"Trauma 2"

"I'll find him."

Charlie grinned at him. "Thatta boy, Dean. I'll go find out what I can."

She disappeared through the door and Dean followed her at a slower pace. He could see trauma 2 slightly further down the corridor, and recognised the back of Luke as he headed into the room as Dean took a step into the corridor. Slowly, he hobbled down the corridor, every step taking him closer to Castiel, and every step making him dread what would happen when he got there. What if Cas didn't want to see him?

Almost before he wanted to be, he found himself in the doorway. He allowed himself a few seconds to gaze at the back of the man he loved, noticing the tension that pulled across his shoulders as he checked the IVs of the sleeping girl in the bed. Meg was looking at Luke with a sad expression on her face, and neither of them noticed his presence until he finally spoke.

"Cas?"

He watched as the nurse turned and looked at the doctor in the room, clearly not expecting to hear another male voice in the space. But Luke had turned and was looking at Dean, a vague look of confusion on his face.

"Cas?"

The IV line dropped from Castiel's hands and Dean waited with baited breath while the man turned to face him. He smiled nervously as Cas caught his eyes, then watched in horror as Cas tried to catch a sob in his hands. He barely heard his name being heard, but replied with his usual greeting anyway. He went to continue speaking, but suddenly Cas was _moving_. He had a split second to brace his back against the door frame then his hands were full of blue scrubs and gorgeous nurse. A wet face was pressed against his throat and hands were clutching tightly in his hair. He rubbed his hands soothingly up and down Cas' back, ignoring the grins that Meg and Luke were both sending their way. He mumbled soothing words, assuring Cas that he was ok, and kept doing so until Cas suddenly pulled away and grabbed Dean's face in both hands. He opened his mouth to speak, with no real idea of what he was about to say, when suddenly his capacity for speech was gone and Cas' lips were pressed firmly against his.

They kissed for what seemed like years, and he could feel the relief surging through Cas as he proved to himself that Dean was alive. Just when he thought he was about to combust, Cas pulled away and stared at him. His blue eyes looked right into Dean's soul, and he was barely aware of the tears on his cheeks or Cas' hands wiping them away. Another kiss brushed his mouth, and then Cas finally whispered the words that Dean had been waiting to hear for so long.

"I love you too, Dean."

Dean's eyes filled anew as he crushed Castiel to him, uncaring of the discomfort of the wall at his back, or the painkillers that were definitely wearing off.

"Don't mind us, guys. Or the patient, or anything," drawled from across the room, and Dean and Cas pulled away from each other sheepishly. They just stood and stared at each other as Meg and Luke finally left the room, a "she's your patient, Cas" thrown over Meg's shoulder as they went.

Cas couldn't seem to stop touching Dean, and Dean quickly realised that the hands fluttering all over his face and torso were still trying to be convinced that Dean was still alive, and was actually here.

"Hey, hey," Dean said, gently catching Cas' hands and holding them in his. He leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Cas' forehead. "I'm alright, I'm ok."

"I just, I thought it was you. I was convinced it was you," Cas admitted, his eyes wide and pained. "I shut it all down to work on the kid, but I was so sure, and then Luke came in and told Meg what happened, and I thought I was going to faint, Dean. I'm so glad you're ok, I'm so sorry about your friend, I love you. I love you."

Castiel's arms had wound around Dean as he rambled, and Dean went back to soothing the muscles in Cas' back. They stood in silence for a few moments until Castiel's words registered.

"Cas, why are you sorry? What happened?"

Cas pulled back to look at him. "Dean, you don't know?"

"Know what, Cas?"

"The other firefighter. Luke was working on him, and when he came back in Meg asked if he was ok, and Luke… oh, Dean. I'm so sorry."

Cas arms tightened round him, but Dean was numb. He hadn't ever lost a colleague, not like this. Never like this. He was waiting for news, sure, but he was waiting to be told that his friend had to quit the service, or that he'd need to do months of physio. That's what usually happened, not this. Never this.

And Cas, oh my God. Dean tightened his own arms around Cas, burying his face in his boyfriend's hair and making sure they were both braced properly.

"Cas, I'm so sorry. I never though… Charlie went to find out, otherwise I would have said. Nobody knows, Cas. Nobody would think to say. I'm so sorry."

Cas fought against Dean's hold to pull back and look him in the eye, the fear on his face easy to see.

"Dean? What are you trying to say?"

"I'm so sorry, baby. I'm so sorry," the tears were spilling down both their faces now, and Cas was shaking his head, refusing to believe what he hadn't been told. "It's Gabe, sweetheart. It's Gabe."

 _A/N So I appear to be back! I have this all planned out, I promise! I do sincerely apologise, just trust me that there are real life reasons why I haven't been doing this remotely regularly, but I will do everything I can. Honest! If anyone is still reading, I thank you!_

 _I haven't triple checked this, or got someone to beta it, so please excuse any errors._


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